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Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.”

Quote by Mitch Hedberg

Author

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom. more

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“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

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“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."”

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“I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

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“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".”

Ifs Knows Should Humor Funny Together Cutting Arms Type Corn Corn On The Cob

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“I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”

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“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

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“That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”

Ifs Made Different Reason Humor Would Be Earth Funny Disappear Layers Being Cool Crackers Ozone Ozone Layer

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“I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"”

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“Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"”

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“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”

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