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Quote by Kilroy J. Oldster

“Am I alone in an ensconced inner world where I obsessively worry about what happens to me, where the story of personal survival becomes the central theme of my shallow existence? I think not. Swaddled in our own brand of strangeness, we all struggle to come to terms with our demonstrated personal shortcomings. Our yearned-for life of living in pink skyways far removed from harm’s way is depressingly marked in contrast by our actual crabby existence spent scuttling along akin to a smug lobster, scrunched down on the asphalt streets, working in the city grid as frumpy members of the faceless mob.”

Quote by Kilroy J. Oldster

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Dead Toad Scrolls

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Kilroy J. Oldster

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“A person whom questions the purpose behind enduring life strafed with pain and self-doubt must construct a self-rescue plan. Does a demoralized person discover contentment and a meaningful life through expanded intellectual studies or by becoming engrossed in living deeply connected to nature? Should I seek personal conquest and eradication of ugly segments of my persona or merger and unification of the irrational splinters of a fragmented and traumatized personality? How does a person express what it means to be human? How does a person locate the incandescent flash of their flesh? If I shout into the wind with all my might, will responsive people hear my wild cry? Will placing pen to paper buffet the cantos of a troubled mind, expose the operatic musings of a madman’s ranting song, or will looking at each day through the diverse lens of both detachment and solipsism ignite an illuminating shaft of wisdom to grace the sinkhole of a fallen man?”

“This feeling of adventure definitely does not come from events: I have proved it. It’s rather the way in which the moments are linked together. I think this is what happens: you suddenly feel that time is passing, that each instant leads to another, this one to another one, and so on; that each instant is annihilated, and that it isn’t worth while to hold it back, etc., etc. (. . .) If I remember correctly, they call that the irreversibility of time.”

“The relentless agony of being, the anguish, and the utter destruction of every facet of my existence and potential have reduced me to desolation. Life has become devoid of any significance for me. I’ve become a withered essence It has grown unbearable, a weight too heavy to carry any further. The relentless agony of existence, the torture, and the destruction of every depth of my soul and all my capacities. I find myself devoid of any appreciation for the mere act of being. I have transformed into a fading waste, and the weight of this life is growing more intolerable with every passing moment.”

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“Keskellä Evon suuria metsiä Lauri Lusi seisoi eksyneenä. Kun hän tajusi kerta kaikkiaan olevansa tietymättömissä, hänen mielensä tuli häneen takaisin kaikkialta maailmasta. Pois kuun valloituksesta, pois kylmästä sodasta, pois valtakuntien ja puolueitten ristiriidoista, pois yliopistoista, pois keittiöistä ja makuuhuoneista, vaatekaapeista ja ruokakaupoista. Hän tuli metsään takaisin ja tajusi miten valtavan osan hänen ajattelustaan ja olemisestaan historiat, yhteiskuntatieteet, isänmaat ja äidinkielet ja yhteiset moraalikäsitykset ja suggestiiviset käyttäytymistavat, ilmeet ja asennot olivat vallanneet. Hän tunsi itsensä puiden korkuiseksi - jalat ulottuivat maahan ja elämänvoima virtasi turhasta tyhjentyneeseen päähän asti. Niin hän seisoi keskellä metsää ja huusi, ja huutaessaan hän tajusi, että hän on niin kuin erämaan karhu, että kukaan ei koskaan tule häntä kuulemaan mutta hän voi kuunnella kaikkia ja ketä tahansa. Että kukaan ei kenties koskaan voi häntä rakastaa - mutta hän rakastaa jokaista ja ketä tahansa. Hän katsoi puita ja sanoi itselleen, että niin kuin puu yksin seisoo ja tavoittelee taivasta, niin on tämä Lauri tässä. Ikuisesti yksin metsässä, rakastamassa kaikkia ilman kenenkään apua.”