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Garden Quotes

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Garden Quotes

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."”

People Sometimes Humor Funny Garden

Author:Craig Ferguson

“My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.”

Humor Funny Garden My Family Italian Olives Olive Garden

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.”

Littles Long Two Enough Care Funny Comedy Listening Garden Hot Excited Convinced Neighbor Necks Nasa Chimneys Tandem

Author:Bill Burr

“Crouchers move through a garden at a stoop: naming, gasping, horraying, admiring or coveting plants; Gapers saunter, smiling or sighing at what they find, succumbing to an intangible beatitude that takes them for a brief escape into another dimension. Both sorts of gardener are besotted; both get their hands dirty; think and talk gardening; but on the threshold of another's garden, each use a different set of whiskers.”

Thinking Different Use Hands Funny Moving Vision Seeing Garden Plant Dirty Dimensions Awe Gardening Gardener Threshold Intangible Admiring Stoops Whiskers Coveting Succumbing

Author:Mirabel Osler

“We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden - a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made.”

Knows Made Funny Garden Investment Woods Ridiculous Luxury Burning Dumb Pizza Ovens Best Investment

Author:Gwyneth Paltrow

“What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.”

Needs Mind Country Funny America Garden Usa Sarcasm United States Of America Cowboy Cleaners Fingernails Cowboy Wisdom

Author:Will Rogers

“Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.”

Funny Garden Philosophical Plant Weed Wedding Spouse Plants And Life

Author:Jean-Jacques Rousseau

“Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.”

Way Funny Work Capitalism Garden Plant Sarcasm Gardening Jobless Unemployment Gardener Getting High American Capitalism Planting A Garden

Book:Homebody: A Novel

Source: Homebody: A Novel

“What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.”

Men Needs Inspiration Funny Nature Garden Casts Iron Gardening Gardener Hinges Garden Love Gardening And God Inspirational Gardening Summer Garden Pulling Weeds

Book:Back-log studies and My summer in a garden

Source: Back-log studies and My summer in a garden

“I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.”

Earth Funny Lasts Three Nature Week Rocks Garden Died Gardening

Author:Richard K. Diran

“The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to doing something better than they have ever done before.”

Looks Done Funny Essentials Garden Satisfied Optimistic Gardening Gardener Something Better Enterprising

Author:Vita Sackville-West

“You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me”

Funny Garden Damn Boxing Squares Madison Madison Square Garden

Author:Willie Pastrano