“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.” MenWantShouldHumorFunnyGuyTurnsRaceFeetCarWindowRadioCirclesDriversKeep GoingTidesSlow DownBugsTurn-onPassengersRace Car Author:Mitch Hedberg
“People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.” PeopleIfsWaySaidHumorHandsWould BeFunnyNightGuyPrayingGunKneesEvery NightUfoAlabamaShotgunsAbduction Author:Bill Hicks
“I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.” HumorFunnyGuyComedyConversationStand Up ComedyEscalators Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.” IfsHumorFunnyGuyAssPantsDressings Author:Kristen Schaal
“Most of you probably didn't know that I have a new book out. Some guy put together a collection of my wit and wisdom - or, as he calls it, my accidental wit and wisdom. But I'm kind of proud that my words are already in book form.” KnowsKindBookHumorTogetherFormPoliticalGuyProudWitCollectionsPolitical HumorNew BooksWit And Wisdom Author:George W. Bush