“A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"” HumorFunnyDoorsTreeDogGreenPlantBonesBuriedYardsPawsPlant A Tree Author:Mitch Hedberg
“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"” ThinkingKnowsNeedsMeanHardHumorSeemsFunnyNightWaterTvsProductsLateGardenPlantLate NightVery MeanCactus Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.” MenHeartHumorFunnyGrowsWatchesCreativeAmbitionMethodPlantPatientChinaTortureBambooAnus Author:Kristen Schaal