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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Humor can help you to disagree without being disagreeable. The key in democracy is not necessarily that we agree, but that we participate....Despite all the heavy problems- domestic and international- there is humor. Humor transcends partisanship.”

Helping Problem Humor Democracy Keys Agree International Heavy Despite Disagree Disagreeable Partisanship

Author:Gerald R. Ford

“The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.”

Inspirational Problem Humor Funny Pool Genes Lifeguard

Author:David Gerrold

“Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.”

Problem Humor Causes Answers Food Alcohol Drinking Alcohol Beer Drinking Funny Alcohol Alcohol Drinking Alcohol And Life Drinking Problem

Author:Matt Groening

“God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam [Hussein], which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them.”

Ifs Helping Problem Humor Political Focus Middle Election Solve Determined East Strikes Help Me Als Middle East Saddam Taliban Political Humor I Am Determined

Author:George W. Bush

“To date, we've arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of al Qaeda... All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. Many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way - they are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies.”

Way Has Beens Different Country States Problem Humor Political United United States Fate Keys Mets Terrorist Als Allies Commanders Arrested Al Qaeda Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“We should - we will - welcome people of faith into the political process... It is essential that believers enter the arena. Your involvement in politics helps determine how well our democracy works. We have finally learned that government programs cannot solve our problems. Government can hand out money, but government cannot put hope in our hearts or a sense of purpose in our lives.”

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

Ifs Thinking Needs Two Sometimes Problem Humor Funny Night Hours Middle Cold Wake Up Yeah Covered Sweat No Problem Middle Of The Night

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"”

Thinking Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Audience Laughing Jokes That Guy Distinctive

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”

Problem Humor Funny Listening Temptation No Problem

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.”

Problem Humor Funny Next Baseball Genes

Author:Jerry Coleman

“All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.”

Feels Problem Humor Funny Solutions Procrastination Here And Now

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

Ifs Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Sun Clubs Daytime

Author:Chris Rock

“I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.”

Problem Humor Funny Gay Rational Gay Marriage

Author:David Cross

“Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.”

Problem Home Humor Funny Natural Records Fans Listening Solutions Folks Heavy Buying Metals Unemployment Selection Natural Selection Heavy Metal Shotguns Metal Fans

Author:Denis Leary

“The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.”

Problem Humor Bigs School Funny Class Drug Big Problems

Author:Milton Jones

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

Problem Humor Funny Air Shops Owners Sweat Conditioning Air Conditioning

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"”

Men Problem Humor Funny Modern Buying Mum No Problem Modern Man Tampons

Author:Jimmy Carr

“Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!”

Thinking Men Shows Problem Humor Funny Surveys Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.”

Problem Humor Funny Sex Groups

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."”

Said Helping Problem Dream Humor Funny Beautiful Night Girl Break Arms Doctors Yesterday Pushing Rushing Beautiful Girl

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.”

Problem Humor Funny

Author:Jim Norton

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?”

Men Country Enough Problem Humor Funny Lasts Attention Wonder Week Couple Advertising Breasts Ads Bras

Author:Hugh Grant