Best winning & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”

Men Needs Humor Funny Winning Causes Beats Arguing Make Sense Handicapped

Author:Chris Rock

“We've been able to watch on our television screens sophisticated weaponry find a building; and we've seen dramatic reports from the front where Pulitzer Prize-to-be winning reporters stood up and declared, the United States is attacked, and all that.”

States Humor Able Political Winning United Watches United States Fronts Television Building Screens Dramatic Reports Prize Sophisticated Reporters Stood Up Political Humor Weaponry

Author:George W. Bush

“Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from.”

Ifs Humor Political Winning Tough Opponents Als Packs Gore Political Humor Incumbents Incumbency

Author:George W. Bush

“And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, "A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse." I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person.”

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Funny Winning

Author:Dave Attell

“No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.”

Humor Funny Games Winning Team

Author:George Carlin

“I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!”

Ifs Humor Funny Winning Lucky Cards Winner Lunch Business Card

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."”

Want Giving Humor Funny Winning Rich Gun Give Me Cute Dimples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."”

Ifs Knows Shows Humor Happens Funny Guy Winning Happened Advertising Choke Advertisements Hamburgers Casinos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”

Ifs Men Want Humor Would Be Funny Winning Fairs Crafts Prize Handful Jars

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”

Men Humor Funny Winning Team Car Fulfilled Introspective

Author:Rita Rudner

“The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.”

Firsts Humor Funny Games Winning Baseball Splits Fifth

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.”

Humor Running Funny Lasts Games Winning Baseball Ties Last Time Dodgers

Author:Jerry Coleman

“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?”

Ifs Men Use Humor Funny Found Winning Situation Photograph Speed Setting Settings Prize Drowning Shutters Prize Winning

Author:Paul Harvey

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.”

Ifs Way Humor Funny Winning Figures

Author:Marc Maron

“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.”

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey

“If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”

Ifs Knows Stills Humor Funny Winning Numbers Psychics Lottery

Author:Steven Wright

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Winning Quotes