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Bill Maher

Bill Maher Quotes

Comedian

Bill Maher is an American comedian, political commentator, and television host. Known for his sharp political satire and humor, he is best recognized for hosting ABC's 'Politically Incorrect'. Born on January 20, 1956, Maher's career spans television, film, and stage performances, as well as writing and producing.

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Famous Bill Maher Quotes

“The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, 'You know what? Let's just grab lunch.'”

Knows Said States House President White Consciousness Talking Teach Minutes Higher White House Lunch States Of Consciousness Lama Dalai

Author:Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman.”

Ifs Thinking Said Running Turns Plans Ass Romney

Author:Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?”

Thinking Said Might Guy House Realizing Heard Politician Be Good Russia Bad Guys Irresponsible Good Guy Palin Nukes

Author:Bill Maher

“Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.”

Knows Said Bigs Government Jobs Courses Differences White Sick Storm East Snow Furious Cruz

Author:Bill Maher

“A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair.”

Should Years Has Beens Said Kids School Cutting Huge Hair Gay High School Should Have Smoking Pot Biographies Teenage Romney Should Have Been Teenage Years Smoking Pot Potheads Goofing Around

Author:Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?”

Said Courses Records Week Waste Borders Pakistan Romney Bin Laden Etch A Sketch

Author:Bill Maher

“African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?”

Said Eye Week Congress Scary African American They Said Congressman

Author:Bill Maher

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.”

May Said Home Wife Week Car Masters Champion Introducing Roof Romney Heavyweights

Author:Bill Maher

“The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?”

Said Ideas Hands America Fit Republican Pages Copies Crap Pledge Bad Ideas Palin Phony

Author:Bill Maher

“But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.”

Ifs Kind Children Said Two Dog Sweet Hero Retarded Two Dogs

Author:Bill Maher

“I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'”

Thinking Knows Men Want Said Moments Helping Care America Father Black Saws Birth Gun Calm Hips Tea Health Care Bags Presidency Costumes Founding Certificates Birth Certificate Tea Bag

Author:Bill Maher

“Ronald Reagan was an anti-government, union-busting, race baiting, anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-intellectual, who cut rich people's taxes in half, had a incurable case of the military-industrial complex, and said Medicare was socialism that would destroy our freedom. Both sides really should stop pretending he was something other than the man most responsible for our decline.”

“Rick Santorum doesn't like sex. He doesn't like the pill. He really doesn't like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.”

Ifs Men Said Sex Pills Sweaters Condom Procreation Vests Sweater Vests

Author:Bill Maher

“Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”

Said Ideas Enough Shows Reality Used Doctors Tests Cancer Screens Procedures Reality Shows Colon Cancer

Author:Bill Maher

“A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay.”

Said Age Republican Gay Married Caught Flirting Divorced Lied Congressman Guessing He Lied Craigslist

Author:Bill Maher

“Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.”

Thinking Said Done Running Lasts Plant Abortion Texas Alleys Chewing Crayon Fertilizer Reelection Back Alleys

Author:Bill Maher

“In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.'”

Ifs Art Said Jesus Groups Feet New York Six Catholic Atheist Excuse Upset Chocolate Communion Gallery Exhibitions Excuse Me Art Galleries

Author:Bill Maher

About the Author

Born: January 20, 1956
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 792

Related Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Republican Said America Want Country President Way Men Believe Week World Years Religion Guy Needs Humor

Popular Topics

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Books & Sources

The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their AssRelated source material

When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on TerrorismRelated source material

New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid ObserverRelated source material

Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?: Politically Incorrect's Greatest HitsRelated source material

Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?: The Best of Politically IncorrectRelated source material

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