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Emily Austin Books

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Oh Honey

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“Why am I so upset? Why do I care that Grace will never eat a cookie again, or that Rosemary doesn't know that? I don't even know these people. Why does it matter to me that this woman was not informed that her friend is dead? Why do I care? There are sadder things happening on this planet right now than old women dying after living long lives- Oh, but that makes it worse. Of course there are sadder things. This is a drop in the bucket. The world is full of so much sadness that it eclipses the sadness of this. That doesn't actually make this any less sad, it must means that there is so much potent sadness on earth that this becomes trivial. Everything becomes trivial. Nothing matters”

SadnessAcceptanceTriviality
Author:Emily Austin
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“That's nice that she's so happy, I think. It's nice that anyone is capable of happiness, really. It's amazing that the human body can produce the neurochemicals required to feel joy. I am disappointed to have been served so little of those chemicals- but I am glad nonetheless that this old woman has enough dopamine, and oxytocin, and whatever else she needs to sustain that smile - despite the fact that her husband is dead, her teeth are probably fake, and all human life is fundamentally inconsequential.”

LifeHappinessSmile
Book:Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead
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“I asked a nurse for dental floss and was told that I am not allowed dental floss. Apparently dental floss can be used for several functions besides the maintenance of healthy gums. These apparently include self-harm. When instructed that I was not permitted dental floss because of “risks it raises associated with suicide” I envisioned a noose made entirely of floss. Realizing such a noose would require a dramatic amount of floss to effectively uphold any human person, I brought it to the attention of a nurse. “I don’t believe that even the most practiced engineers could fashion any functioning noose out of a single container of floss,” I say. “People use it to cut themselves,” she explained. “Oh,” I replied. I had just about come to terms with the no-floss rule until the hospital, in a flagrant display of disrespect for its patients, chose to serve us corn on the cob for lunch. “Are you aware that we are not allowed dental floss?” I yelled at the nurse bringing me the corn. I then threw the corn violently from my plate into the nearest wall.”

HumorHumourHumorousCornHumorous QuotesHospitalDental Floss
Book:Oh Honey
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“The bus I am riding on must be on its way to a garbage convention. Never before has a more rancid assemblage of people congregated. I am at this moment privy to a momentous moment in the history of human smell. My name will probably be memorized by future students, preparing to answer this frequently asked exam question: Who demonstrated a supernatural ability to remain conscious on the most disgusting vehicle to ever disturb our debauched world?”

FunnyHumourHumorous QuotesPublic TransportationStinksBusses
Book:Oh Honey
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“I think I am an imposter. Twenty-seven years ago I was a baby. Before that I was a clump of cells. Before that I didn't exist. How could I be a bookstore clerk, or a Catholic, or a woman, or a person at all? I'm a life force contained in the deformed body of a baby. Of course I'm a fraud. The fact that I'm able to carry myself through life without being crushed beneath the psychological weight of being alive proves that I'm a con artist.”

Fr
Book:Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead
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