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Howard Tayler

Howard Tayler Quotes

Cartoonist

Howard Tayler, born on February 29, 1968, is a renowned cartoonist known for his unique sense of humor and profound themes. His most famous work is 'Schlock Mercenary', which combines elements of science fiction, fantasy, and military. Tayler is admired for his deep understanding of the genres and his ability to depict complex character relationships.

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All Humour Rules To Live By Violence Military Sci Fi Mercenary Mercenaries Maxims Overkill Seventies

Famous Howard Tayler Quotes

“Maxim 30: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Trust Caution Rules To Live By Subverted Sayings

Author:Howard Tayler

“Being a mercenary, though... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer. Even the people you're paid to shoot at? Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service. -Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon”

Money Violence Sci Fi Clients Customer Service Mercenaries

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination. ...hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job. Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often. -Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon”

Money Plans Criminals Vocabulary

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Captain, I'm fairly unique among artificial intelligences. I am FREE. I work for you because I want to. I fly your ship for you because I enjoy it. I am compelled to accept orders only by my conscience. This makes me an equal with the rest of your troops. They aren't hard-wired to obey you, yet they'll follow you to the ends of the Universe.”

Freedom Military Loyalty Artifical Intelligence

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.”

Metaphor Poker Tight Spot

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Humour Caution Enemies Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload." -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Violence Humour Rules To Live By Overkill

Author:Howard Tayler

“Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons. Munitions Commander? Why me? I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part. -Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn”

Military Humour Weapons Sci Fi Promotion Competence

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Military Humour Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?" "Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!" "I guess that explains their rich military history, then.”

Military Humour Artificial Intelligence Contradictions Overreaction Cuddly Warlord

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Humour Sci Fi Mockery Rules To Live By Airlock

Author:Howard Tayler

“Hi. I'm here to enlist. You can't. You aren't human. You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things." Sounds like my kind of fun. -Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs”

Violence Humour Mercenary First Lines

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.”

Humour Sarcasm Explosives Captain Mercenaries

Book:Under New Management

Source: Under New Management

“Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over." "Not guilty." "Also, it's not very nice to lie in court." "But it beats extradition.”

Humour Court Guilty Not Guilty Extradition Tight Spot

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Military Humour Tough Subverted Sayings Air Support

Author:Howard Tayler

“Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Violence Humour Rules To Live By Mercenaries Last Resort

Author:Howard Tayler

“Do me a favor, doc?" "Anything, Captain." "Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it." "Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir." -Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus”

Humour Captain Fourth Wall

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Military Humour Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Names Humour Teeth Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff." "Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?" "No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.”

Military Crime Humour Sci Fi Evasive Action

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“Technically, you don't pay me. And technically, most of what I do is "think." I...rrr. ummm. And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are. -Ennesby & Captain Tagon”

Thinking Military Humour Intelligence

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit. -Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon”

Violence Humour Crossings Bridge Subverted Saying

Book:Under New Management

Source: Under New Management

“That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant." "Well, the elephant started it." "That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up." -Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock”

Fighting Humour Elephant Orders

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine. Actually I'm finished. In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work? After a fashion. ... I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner. -Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn”

Humour Engineering Time Machine Semantics

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General. -Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”

Violence Humour Aphorism

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“AAAAIIIE! You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing! Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things? -Sergeant Schlock”

Humour Shock Vague Thing

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“No! Wait! I've got a better idea..." "Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock." "And your point is..." "Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.”

Violence Humour Idea Necessary Suggestion

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being." "It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.”

Mean Humour Sci Fi Fur Hologram Itchiness

Book:The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance

Source: The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance

“Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain. Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body? See why I want you to stop with the doublethink? -Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon”

Humour Headache Doublethink

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.”

Humour Size Sci Fi Doctor Dysmorphia

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Are you done briefing the company yet?" "We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet." "Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs." "Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago. Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.”

Humour Confusion Time Travel Taking Charge Introductions Mercenaries Heroics

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.”

Humour Morality Contagious

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“So you're a fellow mercenary, then." "Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?" "Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.”

Violence Humour Convenience Mercenary Reality Television Professional Courtesy

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?”

Humour Sci Fi Fur Shaving Suggestion Itchiness

Book:The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance

Source: The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance

“How many words are you having trouble with, sir?" "Just the ones that I've highlighted." "I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph." "That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.”

Language Humour Vocabulary Legalese

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Yes, but none of them can steal my ship. None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.”

Humour Stealing Sci Fi Warship

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside." "How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?" "I had one on me.”

Humour Sci Fi Making Do Handiness Radio Jammer

Book:The Blackness Between

Source: The Blackness Between

“Maxim 31: Only cheaters prosper. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Prosperity Cheating Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“Is it really 'pro bono' if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives? -Captain Hartung”

Lawyer Explosives Pro Bono

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“I'm a disgruntled ex-civil servant, and I'm armed. If you don't process my license right now I'm going to start making small, yet significant holes in people.”

Shooting Threats Disgruntled

Book:The Tub of Happiness

Source: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim 33: If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Internet Tracks Followed

Author:Howard Tayler

“What do you think? Overkill?" "I don't believe there is any such thing. But in this case, 'yes, overkill.”

Violence Overkill Exceptions

Book:The Teraport Wars

Source: The Teraport Wars

“When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first. -Sergeant Schlock”

Violence Eating Forest Fire

Book:The Teraport Wars

Source: The Teraport Wars

“Exit strategies are for people who don't have battleplates. I have personally exited two battleplates because of people who didn't have exit strategies. - Admiral Emm and Kowalski”

Might Makes Right Exit Strategy

Book:Delegates and Delegation

Source: Delegates and Delegation

“They declared war on us some 100,000 years ago. We are about to announce that we've finally noticed.”

Book:Resident Mad Scientist

Source: Resident Mad Scientist

“You know... confessing to avoid prosecution is a time-honored strategy. I don't want to be honored with time. Honor me with "slap-on-the-wrist," or maybe even "scot free.”

Confession Prosecution Time Honoured Jailtime

Book:Emperor Pius Dei

Source: Emperor Pius Dei

“Maxim 15: Only you can prevent friendly fire. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”

Military Rules To Live By Friendly Fire Subverted Saying

Author:Howard Tayler

“Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.”

Want Sound Judging Gun Panic

Author:Howard Tayler

“Right now I've got just two rules to live by. Rule one: don't taunt elephants. Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants. -Sergeant Schlock”

Two Next Right Now Live By Elephants Taunting Sergeants Rules To Live By

Author:Howard Tayler

“If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.”

Ifs Enough Lasts Violence Seventies Maxims Resorts Mercenary Overkill

Author:Howard Tayler

About the Author

Born: February 29, 1968
Known for: Cartoonist
Quotes: 60

Related Topics

Humour Rules To Live By Violence Military Sci Fi Mercenary Mercenaries Maxims Overkill Seventies

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Books & Sources

Resident Mad ScientistRelated source material

Emperor Pius DeiRelated source material

The Tub of HappinessRelated source material

The Scrapyard of Insufferable ArroganceRelated source material

The Teraport WarsRelated source material

Under New ManagementRelated source material

Delegates and DelegationRelated source material

The Blackness BetweenRelated source material

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