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Jen Kirkman

Jen Kirkman Books

Comedian

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“Listen, it is scientifically proven that pregnant women get super horny, because it helps them hold onto their mate who impregnated them. If they weren't horny, their mate would just be living with an overweight pickle-eater who stopped shaving her legs. Yet every pregnant woman tells anyone who will listen (I'm looking at you, Jessica Simpson) that she's, "eight months pregnant, and has never felt sexier or hornier!" Guess what? If you didn't feel sexy or horny during your eighth month of pregnancy, you'd be crying in a ball on the bedroom floor, clutching a snot-filled tissue, and wearing your food-stained fleece pajama bottoms as your cheating husband walked out the door with your non-pregnant pilates instructor. It is not interesting that you are horny when pregnant.”

HonestySexualityMotherhoodCheatingPregnancyMating
Book:I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
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“I resent having to refer to my career as my baby in order to explain myself to parents. It suggests that as long as a woman has something she feels maternal toward, then she passes as a regular human being. "She want to swaddle her career! So we'll make an exception and give her a pass." Women don't have to have maternal urges to be women. My career is not my surrogate baby, just like my car is not my surrogate sex slave just because I turn it on and ride it. Men don't call their careers their sons or daughters. A fireman without kids doesn't have to pretend his job is his baby replacement. "Oh yeah, when I walk up those forty flights of stairs fighting back the burning and falling asbestos, I just cradle the hose in my arms and think, 'this is my baby'.”

HumorComedyFeminismMotherhoodSexismChildfree
Book:I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
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“I can barely forgive myself for the time when I negged Billy from my improv troupe onstage. He said, “I have a gift for you,” and my first instinct was to say, “No you don’t.” The scene died right then and there. See what happens when I try to nurture something? I know it seems dramatic to relate destroying an improv scene to possibly destroying a child’s life, but improv and child rearing are not so different. Both are jobs that people volunteer for and complain about endlessly, and they bore everyone around them as they talk about the process.”

ImprovisationImprovImprov Comedy
Book:I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
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“My nana was always a widow as long as I was alive; my grandfather died before I was born. All the women on my street - there were four houses in a row with all old women who lived alone who were widowed. They all had kids, but they were all widowed. My mom didn't put me in preschool; I didn't know that was a thing. I just hung out with these women all day.”

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Author:Jen Kirkman
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“My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it.”

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Author:Jen Kirkman
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“I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.”

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Book:I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
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“I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.”

PeopleWritingMadeSelfJobsChoicesWishStuffGoalCareersComedyPiecesSelf EsteemHavensPaperLowsAll ThingsListsEsteemLow Self EsteemStand Up ComedyCareer Goals
Author:Jen Kirkman
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