“This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.” ReasonHumorFunnyJobsDrinkGrateful Author:W. C. Fields
“Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.” MenHumorFunnyCowboyTobaccoSlapChewingCowboy WisdomCowboys And HorsesMy CowboyChewing Tobacco Author:Will Rogers
“When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.” WantTryingStillsHumorFunnyLegsBeachGrandchildrenVeinsPillsMy Grandchildren Author:Phyllis Diller
“Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.” MenMayLongHumorFunnyExpressionOceanLong TimeEnglandSizeCome UpShipsBeing TrueHoney Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."” IfsThinkingPlayHumorWould BeFunnyBreadPlaying DrumsDrumsticks Book:Brain Droppings Source: Brain Droppings
“As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.” HumorEyeFunnyBoysTestsGlassesAshamedEssays Author:Woody Allen
“They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!” PeopleIfsNeedsWellsHumorFunnyGunOutlaw Author:George Carlin
“If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.” IfsFirstsLooksHumorWould BeFunnyAsksHousePresidentWhiteFemaleAsk MeWhite HouseReally CoolCozyFemale President Author:Jennifer Lopez
“Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.” HumorFunnyRelationBordersCanadaMexicoBushism Author:George W. Bush
“I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'” HumorFunnyActorsWatchesVery GoodWowGood Actors Author:Ashton Kutcher