“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”
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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes
“Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas card”
“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”
“I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.”
“I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.”
“How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”
“I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.”
“I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.”
“[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.”
“My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.”
“... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.”
“Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.”
“Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.”
“All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.”
“If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.”
“Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!”
Source: The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions
“I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.”
“My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.”
“I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”
“Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”