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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes
“I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.”
“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”
“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”
“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.”
“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”
“When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.”
“This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.”
“There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.”
“The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”
“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”
“Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!”
“It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.”
“It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.”
“I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.”
“I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”
“I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.”
“He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.”
“For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.”
“Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.”
“Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.”
“Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.”