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Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes

Comedienne

Phyllis Diller was an iconic American comedienne, born on July 17, 1917, and passed away on August 20, 2012. Known for her unique comedic style and exaggerated performance, she was a prominent figure in the American comedy scene in the mid-20th century.

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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes

“Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.”

Want Giving Said Water Birth Husband Hot Coffee My Husband Want Me Considering You Want Me Giving Birth Hot Water Do You Want Me

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.”

Kids Fire Husband Shots Suicide Committed My Husband Santa Christmas Eve

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."”

Should Mother Son Husband Losing Should Have Lazy My Husband Couches Wedding Day Our Wedding

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.”

Law Mother Crime Husband Committed My Husband Officers In-laws Marrying Mother In Law Probation

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.”

House Mets Husband Cures My Husband

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.”

Ifs Hard Eye Husband Useless My Husband Blink If You Love Me

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

Inspirational Couple Husband My Husband Fangs

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

Inspirational Felt Careers Husband My Husband

Author:Phyllis Diller

“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.”

Knows Want Kind Crime Husband Gun Shops My Husband Clerks Crime And Punishment

Author:Phyllis Diller

“The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”

Common Marriage Husband Married My Husband

Author:Phyllis Diller

About the Author

Born: July 17, 1917
Died: August 20, 2012
Known for: Comedienne
Quotes: 219

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Inspirational Funny Ifs Husband Children Mother Kids Knows Baby Bed Fangs Humor Want Years Men My Husband Said Three Looks Comedy

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Books & Sources

Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in ComedyRelated source material

The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questionsRelated source material

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