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Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Quotes

Comedienne

Phyllis Diller was an iconic American comedienne, born on July 17, 1917, and passed away on August 20, 2012. Known for her unique comedic style and exaggerated performance, she was a prominent figure in the American comedy scene in the mid-20th century.

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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

Way Inspirational Funny Laughter Humorous Witty Best Way Kitchen Odor Funny Kitchen

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

Children Home Nice Mom Aging Parenting Witty Clever Your Children Being Nice Funny Inspirational Funny Life Funny Parenting Funny Parent Off The Wall Funny Family Reunion Always Be Nice

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

Funny Humorous Witty Enjoyed Iron Only Time Steam Housework Gin Housekeeping Gin And Tonic Ironing Board

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

Sound Minutes Cry Anger Twenties Down And Kitchen Frustration Usual Bells Recipes Rant Rave Timer Anger And Frustration Anger Frustration

Author:Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

Inspirational Made Guy Mistake Anniversary Bachelors Same Mistakes Wedding Anniversary

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

Children Home Running Funny Mother Parent Mom Parenting Running Away Being A Mom Away From Home Funny Parenting Funny Parent Parenthood Funny Parents Home

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.”

Feet Aim Aim High

Author:Phyllis Diller

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

Inspirational Littles Shows Accounts Checks Ghetto Bank Accounts Little Money Scenic Checking Accounts

Author:Phyllis Diller

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

Knows Shoes Compliment Barefoot Alligators Compliments You

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

Sex Miles Forty Boyfriend My Boyfriend Miles Away Funny Sex Sex Drive Funny Boyfriend

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

Men Inspirational Looks May Age Vision Birthday Fades Funny Marriage Anniversary Funny Love Marry Me Eyesight Funny Age Marriage Humor Marriage Jokes Witty Marriage Beauty Fades

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

Inspirational Rooms

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

Inspirational Pain Law Mother Left Motherhood Tricks Knees Breasts In-laws Mother In Law

Author:Phyllis Diller

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

Inspirational Beauty Skins Good Things Core Rotten Skin Deep Beauty Is Skin Deep Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Beauty Skin Deep

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

Three Comedy Argument New Yorkers Taxi Cab

Author:Phyllis Diller

“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

Ifs Knows Inspirational Blood Type Blood Type

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

Years Behinds Eighteen

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”

Inspirational Looks Justice Photograph Like Me

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”

Ifs Children Comedy Advice Bottles

Author:Phyllis Diller

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

Inspirational Hours Half Minutes Finest Finest Hour

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

Said Three Hours Comedy Food Grass Milk Waiter

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

Buried Yards Housework

Author:Phyllis Diller

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.”

Ifs Knows Inspirational Kids Baseball Memorable Millionaire

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

Inspirational Couple Husband My Husband Fangs

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

Inspirational Shows Age Old Age Spots Birthday Gloves Liver

Author:Phyllis Diller

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.”

“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

Ends Matter Song Lines Singers Comic Judged Applause

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

Real My Own Laughing Real Things

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”

Funny Dog Died Wedding Licking Our Wedding Dog Died Wedding Pictures

Author:Phyllis Diller

“The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

Wells Lasts Careers Audience Hello

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

Used Father Laughing Call Me Hyenas

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.”

Ifs Enough Humor Havens Laughed Funny Inspirational Wrinkles

Author:Phyllis Diller

“When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”

Sometimes Use Beauty Emergencies Entrances Parlor

Author:Phyllis Diller

“This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.”

Men Balls Fingers Rings Measurement Assessment Bowling

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.”

Mean Tennis Marrying Love Means

Author:Phyllis Diller

“I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.”

Believe Book Bed Honestly Good Book Absolutely Nothing

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle”

Inspiration Mother Hated Orphanage

Author:Phyllis Diller

“When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.”

Inspirational Beach Tides

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.”

Inspirational Moving Crosses Tennis

Author:Phyllis Diller

“There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.”

Inspirational Rooms Ovens Cupcakes

Author:Phyllis Diller

“The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”

Inspirational Kids Lasts Loses Baby Teeth Baby Teeth

Author:Phyllis Diller

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

Inspirational Felt Careers Husband My Husband

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!”

People Inspirational Committed Appointments Parlor

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.”

Inspirational Years Fighting Three Courses Gone Months Bed Mad Fangs Three Months

Author:Phyllis Diller

“It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.”

Inspirational Hard Size Juniors

Author:Phyllis Diller

About the Author

Born: July 17, 1917
Died: August 20, 2012
Known for: Comedienne
Quotes: 219

Related Topics

Inspirational Funny Ifs Husband Children Mother Kids Knows Baby Bed

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in ComedyRelated source material

The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questionsRelated source material

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