“I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”
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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes
“If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.”
Source: The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions
“No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.”
“The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.”
“My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.”
“I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”
“My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”
“Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.”
“My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.”
“I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.”
“If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.”
“My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.”
“When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.”
“I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.”
“I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.”
“Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.”
“I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.”
“Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.”
“It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.”
“My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”
“Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.”
“I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.”
“If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.”