“I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
Source: The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions
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Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes
“Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”
Source: The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions
“You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.”
“I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”
“I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”
“Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”
“You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.”
“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.”
“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”
“Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.”
“Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.”
“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”
Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”