“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.” IfsKnowsWantWholeHumorFunnyRitualCakeCandleGermsMy Birthday Author:Craig Ferguson
“Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!” NeedsHelpingHumorFunnyWaitingCrapNeed HelpCheapness Author:Craig Ferguson
“People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."” PeopleSometimesHumorFunnyGarden Author:Craig Ferguson
“A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.” MenYearsHumorFunnyPoliceSouthSuspectsCasinosDakotaMummySouth Dakota Author:Craig Ferguson
“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” IfsWellsLittlesHumorBigsFunnyBest ThingsThings To DoFrightenedLeprechaun Author:Craig Ferguson
“If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.” IfsHumorFunnyInterestingTrainWrecksTrain Wrecks Author:Craig Ferguson
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.” PeopleWantEndsWholeHumorFunnyThreeTalkingAudienceDown AndKicksNecksFuneralTalking About MeLegit Author:Daniel Tosh
