“I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."” IfsWellsHumorFunnyFiguresBedDirectDinnerHungryChairsBreakfastLunchBed And Breakfasts Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"” WayPersonsHelpingHumorHandsRunningFunnyChanceFireFiguresBearsAuthorityMy FriendsWoodsIntenseForestsRanAcidSwearingForest FiresAuthority Figures Author:Mitch Hedberg
“That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.” HomeHumorRunningFunnyFiguresBaseballHome Run Author:Jerry Coleman
“My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.” MadeEnoughHumorFunnyMotherFatherBloodFiguresProudIndianQuartersArithmeticCherokeeCherokee Indian Book:The Will Rogers scrapbook Source: The Will Rogers scrapbook
“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.” IfsWayHumorFunnyWinningFigures Author:Marc Maron
“Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.” IfsTryingWellsHumorFunnyNumbersFiguresSevenSorryNineCall MeI'm SorryHello Author:Katt Williams