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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.”

Giving Years Humor Funny Five Taxes Vote Crush Five Years Bachelors

Book:The Collected Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated): Including Renowned Titles like Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, The Inca Of Perusalem, Macbeth Skit, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion

Source: The Collected Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated): Including Renowned Titles like Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, The Inca Of Perusalem, Macbeth Skit, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion

“I want to thank you for coming to the White House to give me an opportunity to urge you to work with these five senators and three congressmen, to work hard to get this trade promotion authority moving. The power that be, well most of the power that be, sits right here.”

“Think about that. Two hundred and eighty-five new or expanded programs, $2 trillion more in new spending, and not one new bureaucrat to file out the forms or answer the phones?”

Thinking Two Humor Form Political Answers Five Hundred Program Phones Spending Eighty Files Bureaucrats Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.”

Ifs Wells Children Persons Humor Funny Pain Lying Five Truth Is Telling The Truth Ems Truthful Only Time Children Love

Author:Bill Cosby

“My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.”

Want Looks Humor Funny Mother Hours Rooms Five Mess Want Me Pigs He Wants Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

Want Said Humor Kids Funny Parent Five Thousand Dollars Notes They Said No Respect Kidnapped

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Enjoy Opinion Five Magic Serious Drink Dancing Tricks Biographies Mike Wildlife Magic Tricks

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.”

Want Long Humor Beautiful Five Written Drink Thousand Hundred Alcohol Heat Feds Waking Alcoholics Anticipate Completion

Book:Jack London Six Pack

Source: Jack London Six Pack