“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” KnowsSaidHumorFunnyMotherFatherBirthEasierHundredDollarsFather Son Author:Rita Rudner
“Think about that. Two hundred and eighty-five new or expanded programs, $2 trillion more in new spending, and not one new bureaucrat to file out the forms or answer the phones?” ThinkingTwoHumorFormPoliticalAnswersFiveHundredProgramPhonesSpendingEightyFilesBureaucratsPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."” SaidHumorFunnyGuySawsDoorsNewsPercentHundredGood NewsExitUnderestimated Author:Demetri Martin
“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"” PeopleTryingYearsTwoBookIdeasHumorFunnyThreeProudConversationPagesHundredHeyNo IdeaFiftyThree YearsNow And ThenProud Of Myself Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.” IdeasHumorFunnyGuyHouseVoiceHoursPartyImagineCrazyThousandHundredLonelyRadioGood TimesRoofSoothingTalk RadioStackingStir Crazy Author:Adam Carolla
“I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.” WantLongHumorBeautifulFiveWrittenDrinkThousandHundredAlcoholHeatFedsWakingAlcoholicsAnticipateCompletion Book:Jack London Six Pack Source: Jack London Six Pack