“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.” PeopleInspirationalHomeHumorInspirationRoomsTelevisionTvsInventionPermitLiving RoomTelevision And Radio Author:David Frost
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” KnowsWantShowsHumorFunnySeaTvsLateRiversFishesBoatLakesFishingLet It GoTrout Fishing Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!” KnowsWayDoeSaidTwoHumorFunnyTogetherEasyBornSimpleSawsMiddleMissingTvsArmsLettersRaisesThey SaidContractions Author:Mitch Hedberg
“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.” MadeHardHumorFunnyThreeEasyFourTvsProductsShotsFinalsAvailableComplicatedStampsPaymentSealsEnvelopesDenominationsMailman Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.” PeopleThinkingTwoHumorFunnyGuyHouseTvsSittingBedroomOther GuysSitting AroundOvensWatching TvBedroom House Author:Mitch Hedberg
“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"” ThinkingKnowsNeedsMeanHardHumorSeemsFunnyNightWaterTvsProductsLateGardenPlantLate NightVery MeanCactus Author:Mitch Hedberg
“AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."” PeopleHumorWantedFunnyPayTvsBillsScreensChecksHeyMailOfferingRemote Control Author:Jay Leno
“You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.” PeopleShouldMeanShowsHumorCareAgeFunnyGirlNiceTvsDon't CareI Don't CareGradesBeing NiceTv ShowsOther GirlBe Nice To People Author:Chelsea Handler
“I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?” HumorFunnyBrainGenerationsTvsSickTiredOur GenerationHarvey Author:Denis Leary
“I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!” HumorFunnyTvsDoctorsBoxesDoctor Who Author:Milton Jones
“All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"” HumorTodayFunnyAliveTvsAnxietyStressedI'm AliveProzacAntidepressants Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.” HumorFunnyCoursesStuffAnimalWeekTvsFineCoupleWineHearingComicReliefAwardsWarfareOlympicsMonkeysDocumentariesScottishLodgesComic ReliefDundee Author:Frankie Boyle
“You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."” IfsLooksTwoHumorFunnyTurnsStepsTvsWork OutGymGoing To WorkWatching TvRemote Control Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"” ThinkingKnowsMeanHas BeensHomeHumorSchoolFunnyGuyTvsHigh SchoolSittingPopeThat GuyJerkPolandWatching Tv Author:Jim Gaffigan
“The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'” FirstsSaidHumorFunnyTvsFirst TimeGood ThingsUglyFlightYoutubeClip Author:Kristen Schaal
“I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!” WorldHumorRealityFunnyNationsAirTvsPagesReality TvSmall World Author:Kristen Schaal
“There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.” WorldWantEnoughHumorRealityFunnyHateStuffBitsTvsI HatePsychedelicReality Tv Author:Noel Fielding