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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."”

Want Should Humor Funny Mother Forget Talking Son Jew Israel Bus Israeli Crowded Hebrew Yiddish Talking To Him

Author:Kirk Douglas

“FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.”

Ifs Want Feels Humor Funny Medicine Feel Better Physicians Drs Avenues Gypsy Horoscopes Lexington

Author:S. J. Perelman

“The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.”

Ifs World Want Humor Funny Huge Crowds Best Times

Author:Dave Barry

“If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.”

Ifs Want Stills Humor Funny Bombs Atoms Futuristic Atom Bomb Epcot

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.”

Ifs Want Mean Children Real Sometimes Reason Humor Funny Lying Sleep Cry Baby Okay Wake Up Checks

Author:Paul Reiser

“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.”

Want Wells Humor Wanted Law Mother Guy Next Cutting Dog Months Welcome Tails In-laws Indication Visiting Mother In Law Vets

Author:Karel Capek

“I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.”

Want Long Humor Beautiful Five Written Drink Thousand Hundred Alcohol Heat Feds Waking Alcoholics Anticipate Completion

Book:Jack London Six Pack

Source: Jack London Six Pack

“My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.”

Want Made Humor Kids Funny House Woods Lifts Neighborhood Scare Yards

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright