“Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun” WellsMatterFactsTodayFightingPresidentSunNewsYeahCommittedGlobal WarmingTroopsGood NewsPresident BushBudMatter Of FactBuckles Author:David Letterman
“Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.” YearsListeningNewsJokesScientistYeahExtrasBad News Author:Conan O'Brien
“I think the press has an interest in communicating to its viewers or readers, and their viewers or readers drive profit for those news organizations, so I think those news organizations have a certain bias toward their own readers. Yeah, I think they are a special interest. Of course they are.” ThinkingCertainCoursesInterestSpecialReaderNewsOrganizationYeahPressesProfitCommunicateBiasViewersSpecial Interests Author:Mark McKinnon
“Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?” KnowsHandsUsedDifferencesWatchesDependsNewsFairsOkayYeahBalancedFoxesSlogansNot FairCnnFox News Author:Jon Stewart
“There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.” MenDreamJobsLastsHoursNewsYeahAliensChineseIllegalCentsLast TimeWorkplaceBroadwayTruckDeliveryDeliveringIllegal AliensChinese FoodDream JobLandscaping Author:Greg Giraldo
“I got a parking ticket one time in L.A. and I was furious about it. I was trying to prove a point to the guy who gave it to me and I put it in my mouth and chewed it up. And the guy just kept watching me, like, "Yeah?" He didn't think I was going to finish the job. So then I swallowed it. The good news is that paper is not a big deal if you eat it.You'd be full, but you could eat the phone book. So that was the weirdest thing: a parking ticket.” IfsThinkingTryingBookBigsJobsGuyDealsProvePaperNewsMouthsYeahPhonesOne TimeTicketsGood NewsBig DealFuriousParking Author:Rob Huebel
“I still don’t believe it. It’s not in him. Yeah, and you are delusional. Babe, news flash, with the exception of you and the pirate, we’re all animals here. And we all have a killer’s instinct.” BelieveStillsAnimalNewsYeahInstinctDon't BelieveExceptionKillersFlashPirateBabeDelusional Book:Unleash The Night Source: Unleash The Night
“He also said that if anyone did anything to mess up the rest of the testing, he was going to call 911 personally. Yeah, like that wouldn't make it into the nightly news again: WHEELCHAIR-BOUND CANCER PATIENT ARRESTED FOR FREE SPEECH.” IfsSaidSpeechNewsYeahPatientBoundsCancerMessFree SpeechTestingArrestedWheelchairsCancer Patients Book:After Ever After Source: After Ever After
“So are you turning out like them? Do you still write and draw?" "yeah, but I don't do anything personnal or profound. My parents take life way to seriousely. I lke to make people laugh. I had a regular cartoon feature in the school news paper and created some for the year book. Social satire stuff. I've done a couple of political cartoons for wisteria's paper and just got one accepted in Easton's, which has a much bigger circulation. Impressed?” PeopleWayWritingYearsStillsBookDoneSchoolPoliticalSocialStuffParentLaughingCouplePaperNewsDrawsBiggerYeahProfoundAcceptedFeaturesSatireImpressedCartoonMaking People LaughCirculationPolitical CartoonsWisteria Author:Elizabeth Chandler
“Yeah. She wants him back and has decided I'm in her way. But I have news for that little sleep-terrorist--it's going to take more than a couple of bad dreams to scare me off, so I hope she has something bigger up her sleeve.” WayWantLittlesDreamSleepCoupleNewsDecidedBiggerYeahTerroristScareSleevesWant HimBad Dream Book:My Soul to Steal Source: My Soul to Steal
“Because I went from the Daily Show where I was a fake news guy on a fake news show to Bruce Almighty where I played a news guy to Anchorman where I played a news guy, now I'm...yeah, I tend to gravitate towards suits.” ShowsGuyNewsYeahSuitsFakeAlmightyDaily ShowAnchorman Author:Steve Carell