“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” KnowsSaidHumorFunnyMotherFatherBirthEasierHundredDollarsFather Son Author:Rita Rudner
“In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said ‘looks like we’re a couple of peeing Toms.’ His angry silence is something I’ll never forget.” LooksSaidFunnyNextFoundForgetSilenceSituationCoupleAngerAngryNever ForgetAwkwardTomsOscarsSilence IsBathroomWordplayFunny JokesAppropriatenessAwkward Situations Author:Tom Hanks
“People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.” PeopleIfsWaySaidHumorHandsWould BeFunnyNightGuyPrayingGunKneesEvery NightUfoAlabamaShotgunsAbduction Author:Bill Hicks
“I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?” PeopleThinkingWantShouldWritingSaidHumorFunnyFormHateDutyLike YouReturnMy FriendsI HateRacistJuryChinksJury Duty Author:Sarah Silverman
“As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.” KnowsWorldMaySaidFunnyForceNumbersClassGroupsPoliceHillsCaliforniaToneFancyDepartmentPolice ForceBeverly HillsPolice DepartmentSnobbishHigh Class Author:Jack Benny
“We were ensconced as guests of the exclusive Beverly Hilton Hotel, an edifice so swank that the fire ax in the hall outside our suite said: "In case of fire-break crystal."” SaidFunnyBreakCasesFireCaliforniaHotelHallsGuestsExclusiveCrystalsEdificeSwank Author:Jack Paar
“Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'” SaidFunnyMomGood Things Author:Kate Clinton
“A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.” MenSaidDoneFunnyRememberPoorTroubleSeriousCreaturesSerious Man Author:Thomas Carlyle
“It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.” SaidFunnyGamesTeamToughChinaFinishedShirtsUsaOlympicsT ShirtMedalLondon Olympics Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.” MenSaidFunnyRaceHe ManCaughtChampionOfficialsOlympicsEmbarrassingWalkersLondon OlympicsDoping Author:Conan O'Brien
“Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.” MenNeedsFirstsSaidFunnyFemaleAthleteOlympicsRulingArabiaSaudi ArabiaSaudisScarvesLondon OlympicsFemale Athlete Author:Conan O'Brien
“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.” SaidFunnyGamesSoundAthleteBritishOlympicsThey SaidFastingSecond ThoughtsRamadanLondon OlympicsSampling Author:Conan O'Brien
“I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'” SaidFunnyYeahBoxing Author:George Foreman