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Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen Books

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“Parents often complain that their adult childhood won't let them change. Children don't want their parents to move from the home in which they grew up, or convert their old bedrooms into offices. They refuse to take their cartons out of the attic or basement and become angry at even the suggestion that their parents might show them away. We are more focused on our parents as the repositories of our childhoods, which we want to hold on to, than on the sacrifices they made for us that they might no longer want to make—such as using their own bedroom or the dining rooms as an office so we could have a bedroom.”

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Book:I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives
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“The argument culture urges us to approach the world - and the people in it - in an adversarial frame of mind. It rests on the assumption that opposition is the best way to get anything done: The best way to discuss an idea is to set up a debate; the best way to cover news is to find spokespeople who express the most extreme, polarized views and present them as 'both sides'; the best way to settle disputes is litigation that pits one party against the other; the best way to begin an essay is to attack someone; and the best way to show you're really thinking is to criticize.”

PeopleThinkingWorldWayMindIdeasDoneShowsCultureSidesViewsPartyApproachNewsArgumentExtremesDebateBest WaySettlingAssumptionOppositionUrgesCriticizeBoth SidesEssaysDisputesPitsFrame Of MindSpokespeople
Author:Deborah Tannen
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“All communication is more or less cross-cultural. We learn to use language as we grow up, and growing up in different parts of the country, having different ethnic, religious, or class backgrounds, even just being male or female - all result in different ways of talking.”

WayDifferentCountryUseLanguageGrowsReligiousResultsTalkingClassGrowing UpGrowingCommunicationFemaleCrossesMalesBackgroundsDifferent WaysJust BeingWay Of Talking
Book:That's not what I meant!: how conversational style makes or breaks your relations with others
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“any criticism heard secondhand sounds worse than it would face to face. Words spoken out of our presence strike us as more powerful, just as people we know only by reputation seem larger than life.”

PeopleKnowsSeemsFacesSoundPowerfulHeardCriticismStrikesReputationFace To FaceLarger Than Life
Book:That's not what I meant!: how conversational style makes or breaks your relations with others
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“The one who decides who goes ahead has the upper hand, regardless of who gets to go. This is why many women do not feel empowered by such privileges as having doors held open for them. The advantage of going first through the door is less salient to them than the disadvantage of being granted the right to walk through a door by someone who is framed, by his magnanimous gesture, as the arbiter of the right-of-way.”

WayFeelsFirstsHandsWalksPowerDoorsAdvantagePrivilegeGrantedGesturesEmpoweredDisadvantagesFramedArbiterUpper HandMagnanimous
Book:That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
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“The Pavlovian view of women voters - plug the words in, and they will respond - sends a chill down my spine because it sounds like an adaptation of something I have written about communication between the sexes: When a woman tells a man about a problem, she doesn't want him to fix it; she just wants him to listen and let her know he understands. But there's a difference between a private conversation and a presidential election, between what we want from our leaders.”

KnowsMenWantProblemSexSoundWomenDifferencesViewsLeaderDemocracyWrittenCommunicationConversationElectionPresidentialVotersAdaptationChillSpineWant HimPlugsPresidential Election
Author:Deborah Tannen
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“The allure of love is to have someone who knows you so well that you don't have to explain yourself. It is the promise of someone who cares enough about you to protect you against the world of strangers who do not wish you well.”

KnowsWorldWellsEnoughCareWishLove IsPromiseProtectStrangerWho CaresWish YouYou AgainProtect YouAllureExplain YourselfWishing You Well
Book:I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives
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“The argument culture urges us to approach the world-and the people in it-in an adversarial frame of mind. It rests on the assumption that opposition is the best way to get anything done: Conflict and opposition are as necessary as cooperation and agreement, but the scale is off balance, with conflict and opposition over-weighted.”

PeopleWorldWayMindDoneCultureBalanceConflictApproachArgumentScalesBest WayAssumptionOppositionUrgesAgreementCooperationFrame Of Mind
Author:Deborah Tannen
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“Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.”

WorldNeedsCommunicationIndependenceIntimacyWheelsConcertsJugglingCogsBalancing Act
Book:You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
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“To say anything about women and men without marking oneself as either feminist or anti-feminist, male-basher or apologist for men seems as impossible for a woman as trying to get dressed in the morning without inviting interpretations of her character. Sitting at the conference table musing on these matters, I felt sad to think that we women didn't have the freedom to be unmarked that the men sitting next to us had. Some days you just want to get dressed and go about your business. But if you're a woman, you can't, because there is no unmarked woman.”

IfsThinkingMenWantTryingMatterCharacterSeemsNextFeltMorningImpossibleHe ManSittingMen And WomenTablesMalesOneselfFeministInterpretationSay AnythingConferencesInvitingMusingsAnti FeministBashers
Author:Deborah Tannen
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