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Joe Queenan

Joe Queenan Books

Journalist

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“Setting aside the issues of homicide and suicide for the time being, let us examine what it means to be a true fan. My harried therapist once asked if I could delineate my specific philosophy in a concise and economical fashion, if only for the edification of the vulgar. Hey, no problem, Doc. I just happen to have a tattered old piece of paper in my wallet setting forth the fan canon; it had been given to me as a boy by a rakish carny who claimed to have once been Dizzy Dean’s grocery boy. It consisted of the following items: Never switch allegiances. Show some respect. Visit the shrines. Never give up. Never give in. Never leave early. Neither a front-runner not a Johnny-come-lately be. Accept no substitutes. Wait until next year. Never turn down tickets to see Jordan.”

HumorSports Fans
Book:True Believers: The Tragic Inner Life of Sports Fans
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“Incapable of conjuring up any facial expression that she did not learn from watching television, Jessica Alba plays a brilliant scientist who inadvertently acquires the ability to make herself invisible. This is not a gift Alba seems particularly comfortable with, as the last thing she needs is to be heard but not seen.”

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Author:Joe Queenan
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“On this side of the Atlantic, the arrival of a new Woody Allen movie is always greeted with tremors of bliss by filmgoers past the age of 60, with mild curiosity by those in their 50s, with trepidation by those in their 40s, with fear and loathing by those in their 30s, and with complete indifference by anyone younger. An icon to baby boomers, who will never concede that when something is over, it is really over (Clapton, McCartney, Santana, the 1960s), Allen has not made a truly memorable film since Bullets On Broadway back in 1994.”

MadeAgePastFilmSidesBabyCuriosityIndifferenceBlissMemorableOver ItBulletsBroadway1960sIconsArrivalsLoathingWoodyBoomersFear And LoathingBaby BoomerTrepidationSantanaWoody Allen Movie
Author:Joe Queenan
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“Martin Scorcese is probably America's greatest living director, and while he is not a titan like John Ford or Alfred Hitchcock or Federico Fellini, he is certainly consistently more interesting than Steven Spielberg, Brian de Palma, Francis Ford Coppola or Woody Allen. Even a failure like Gangs of New York or a curiosity like The Aviator is more interesting and ambitious than Munich, The Black Dahlia or Scoop.”

AmericaBlackInterestingNew YorkDirectorsCuriosityAmbitiousConsistentlyGangWoodyBrianHitchcockTitansAviatorMunichDahlias
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“As was the case in Requiem for a Dream, Pollock, A Beautiful Mind, House of Sand and Fog, The Hulk and Dark Water, Connelly's mere presence in a film guarantees that things will turn out badly for the male lead, as Connelly is always cast as the Angel of Death. Fun to hang out with, great eyes, amazing eyebrows, but the Angel of Death.”

MindDreamEyeBeautifulFilmTurnsHouseFunWaterDarkCasesAngelMereMalesCastsGuaranteesSandHanging OutFogEyebrowsGuarantees ThatJenniferBeautiful MindRequiemAngel Of DeathPollockDark WaterRequiem For A Dream
Author:Joe Queenan
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“Lars is played by Ryan Gosling, the Prince of Tics, whose idea of acting is to wait a few beats before reacting to other people's remarks, as if acting were merely a matter of adhering to the seven-second delay rule. Jack Nicholson has made a career out of doing this sort of thing, as did Paul Newman, as did Marlon Brando (who the other two learned it from), but they didn't do it all the time and they were more fun to look at... Lars And The Real Girl joins a number of other recent films in the category of motion pictures where the director doesn't know that his protagonist is unsympathetic.”

PeopleIfsKnowsLooksMadeTwoIdeasRealMatterFilmGirlFunWaitingNumbersActingCareersDirectorsBeatsSevenCategoriesDelayRemarksReactingProtagonistsMotion PicturesBrandoNewmanNicholsonTicsUnsympatheticReal Girl
Author:Joe Queenan
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“A friend once told me that the real message Bram Stoker sought to convey in 'Dracula' is that a human being needs to live hundreds and hundreds of years to get all his reading done; that Count Dracula, basically nothing more than a misunderstood bookworm, was draining blood from the necks of 10,000 hapless virgins not because he was the apotheosis of pure evil but because it was the only way he could live long enough to polish off his extensive reading list. But I have no way of knowing if this is true, as I have not yet found time to read 'Dracula.”

IfsWayNeedsYearsHumansLongRealDoneEnoughEvilReadingFoundHuman BeingsKnowingBloodPureMessagesListsNecksVirginsMisunderstoodPolishDrainingBookwormsApotheosisPure EvilStokerCount DraculaExtensive Reading
Author:Joe Queenan
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“Electronic books are ideal for people who value the information contained in them, or who have vision problems, or who like to read on the subway, or who do not want other people to see how they are amusing themselves, or who have storage and clutter issues, but they are useless for people who are engaged in an intense, lifelong love affair with books. Books that we can touch; books that we can smell; books that we can depend on.”

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Author:Joe Queenan
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“My books have been part of my life forever. They have been good soldiers, boon companions. Every book has survived numerous purges over the years; each book has repeatedly been called onto the carpet and asked to explain itself. I own no book that has not fought the good fight, taken on all comers, and earned the right to remain. If a book is there, it is there for a reason.”

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Author:Joe Queenan
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“The world is changing, but I am not changing with it. There is no e-reader or Kindle in my future. My philosophy is simple: Certain things are perfect the way they are. The sky, the Pacific Ocean, procreation and the Goldberg Variations all fit this bill, and so do books. Books are sublimely visceral, emotionally evocative objects that constitute a perfect delivery systemBooks that we can touch; books that we can smell; books that we can depend on. Books that make us believe, for however short a time, that we shall all live happily ever after.”

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Author:Joe Queenan
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