Quotessence
Home / Authors / Lundy Bancroft
Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quotes

Author

Filter quotes by topic

AllAbuseAbusive MenAbusive PartnersDomestic ViolenceAbusive RelationshipAbusive RelationshipsDomestic AbuseAbusersEmotional AbusePartners

Famous Lundy Bancroft Quotes

“The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser's mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.”

ThinkingFeelsReasonLevelsObjectsSeriousCoupleFitSpringCommitmentTreatsAbuseMindsetPartnersCoreReason WhyStreamsOwnershipAbusersPossessiveness
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image

“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple's problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn't abuse.”

MeanProblemWomenSidesInterestDecisionViewsImpossibleMiddleCoupleBalanceAbuseVictimFaultsTraumaRecoverySettlingBalancedDrsImpossibilityExplainingOppressorsEloquentStanceNeutralityAbusersPerpetratorsWholeheartedlyAbusive RelationshipAbused WomenRelationship ProblemWeak Women
Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Create image

“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons. So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle-though often quite pervasive-sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don't show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.”

MenImportantShowsProblemMotherHateFatherNumbersAttitudeSeriousSonResearchDaughterNegativeFemaleMajorityNotesObviousPartnersSubtleContemptSuperiorityExhibitsDisrespectAbusiveSmall NumbersNegative AttitudeAbusive FatherSerious Relationship
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image

“But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”

WayLife IsDecisionDeserveCriticalPartnersWorth ItLensesCritical Decisions
Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Create image

“It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.”

MenBelieveUseProblemFineExcusePartnersInstantBad ExperiencesMistreat
Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Create image

“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”

ThinkingMenWorldFeelsMayPersonsProblemSeemsQualityKindnessSuccessfulPeriodsFitDrugIncludingObstaclesAlcoholPartnersWarmthRecognizingNo ProblemUnlikelySpinningIntimidatingAbusiveGood QualityAbusersMistreatmentSuccessful WorkSpinning Out Of Control
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image

“Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. So there may not be much difference between the man who talks down to you and the one who elevates you; both are displaying a failure to respect you as a real human being and bode ill.”

MenWayHumansMayRealFormTurnsDifferencesHuman BeingsPerfectFantasyPiecesFailingSeeingHe ManFineWorshipIllChinaGoddessNastyDisrespectPedestalReal HumanPerfect WomanWorship YouFine China
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image

“The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are: It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault. You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give. I am above criticism. I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.”

IfsMenGivingShouldCareJobsAttitudeResponsibilityLuckyDemandAspectCriticismBallsGratefulFaultsIncludingPartnersDrivingUnhappyOur RelationshipBe Grateful
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty-he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.”

HumansReasonFeelingsNightHumanityNextNaturalSleepLevelsEmotionClearProtectEmpathyConscienceDistanceGuiltCriticalPartnersCeaseCrueltyReason WhyHuman EmotionsAbusersObjectificationClear Conscience
Author:Lundy Bancroft
Create image