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Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Quotes

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Lundy Bancroft is a renowned author specializing in the fields of domestic violence and intimate relationship education and research. His work aims to help people understand and address domestic violence issues, support victims, and educate the public to raise awareness of the problem.

Famous Lundy Bancroft Quotes

“They are reluctant to do the serious work of change, feeling that it would be easier to throw a new blanket over the moldy mattress and carry on with life as usual.”

Change Abusive Men Partner Abuse

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“An abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain non-abusive. This may be the single most overlooked point regarding abusers and change. The progress that such a man appears to be making is an illusion. If he reserves the right to bully his partner, to protect even one specific priviledge, he is keeping the abuse option open. And if he keeps it open, he will gradually revert to using it more and more until his prior range of controlling behaviors has been restored to it's full glory.”

Change Abusive Men Partner Abuse

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right. And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.”

Psychology Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Domestic Abuse Mental Abuse Physical Abuse Psychological Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Relationship Abused Women Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners Abusive Partner

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving the Player are: Women were put on this earth to have sex with men—especially me. Women who want sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight. (!) It’s not my fault that women find me irresistible. (This is a word-for-word quotation from a number of my clients.) It’s not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it’s all around me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can’t help it. If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I’m in this relationship when it’s convenient for me and when I feel like it. Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches. If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn’t have to turn to other women.”

Abuse Infidelity Verbal Abuse Abusive Men

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.” At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right.”

Psychology Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Abuse Survivors Domestic Abuse Abusers Mental Abuse Physical Abuse Psychological Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Relationship Abused Women Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Domestic Abuse Abusers Mental Abuse Physical Abuse Psychological Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Relationship Abused Women Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners Abusive Partner

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry because he was abusive. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury.”

Abuse Anger Domestic Violence Domestic Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abuser Anger And Attitude Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it.” Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same, not if it’s a reason to change.”

Abuse Domestic Abuse Childhood Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners

Author:Lundy Bancroft

“Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we’re talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Domestic Abuse Childhood Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. She gets drawn into the complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.”

Abuse Emotional Abuse Intimidation Mental Abuse Physical Abuse Abusive Relationship Verbal Abuse Abused Women Abusive Men Abuser Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are: You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you. Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously. The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is. If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too. When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me. If I put you down for long enough, some day you’ll see.”

Abuse Emotional Abuse Mental Abuse Abusive Relationship Verbal Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should do about it. Her clergyperson may tell her, “Love heals all difficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks a different language, saying, “He triggers strong reactions in you because he reminds you of your father, and you set things off in him because of his relationship with his mother. You each need to work on not pushing each other’s buttons.” A recovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rage addict. He controls you because he is terrified of his own fears. You need to get him into a twelve-step program.” Her brother may say to her, “He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.” And then, to crown her increasing confusion, she may hear from her mother, or her child’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’s mean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All he wants is to hurt you. Leave him now before he does something even worse.” All of these people are trying to help, and they are all talking about the same abuser. But he looks different from each angle of view.”

Advice Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Psychotherapy Domestic Abuse Mental Abuse Psychological Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Relationship Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Partner

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS 1. He was abused as a child. 2. His previous partner hurt him. 3. He abuses those he loves the most. 4. He holds in his feelings too much. 5. He has an aggressive personality. 6. He loses control. 7. He is too angry. 8. He is mentally ill. 9. He hates women. 10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment. 11. He has low self-esteem. 12. His boss mistreats him. 13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution. 14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men. 15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner. 16. He is a victim of racism. 17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Domestic Abuse Abusers Abusive Relationship Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are: I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive. As long as I use a lot of “psychobabble,” no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you. I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not. Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings. Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.”

Abuse Abusive Relationship Verbal Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partner Emotinal Abuse

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially by psychologists, to be evidence of the man’s “fear of abandonment.” But women have fears of abandonment that are just as great as men’s, yet they rarely stalk or kill their partners after a breakup. Not only that, but many abusers are vicious to their ex-partners even when they do not desire a reunion or when they initiated the breakup themselves.”

Abuse Breakup Misogyny Abusive Relationship Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are: I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong. I know the exact way that everything should be done. You shouldn’t have anyone else — or any thing else — in your life besides me. I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence. I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)”

Abuse Domestic Violence Sexual Abuse Emotional Abuse Domestic Abuse Physical Abuse Abusive Relationship Abusive Men Abusive Partner

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Have you ever heard a woman claim that the reason why she is chronically mistreating her male partner is because a previous man abused her? I have never run into this excuse in the fifteen years I have worked in the field of abuse. Certainly I have encountered cases where women had trouble trusting another man after leaving an abuser, but there is a critical distinction to be made: Her past experiences may explain how she feels, but they are not an excuse for how she behaves. And the same is true for a man.”

Abuse Abusive Relationship Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Entitlement Domestic Abuse Abusive Relationship Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When a man starts my program, he often says, “I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I always correct him: "Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”

Domestic Violence Domestic Abuse Abusive Relationship Abuse Recovery Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”

Abuse Ownership Emotional Abuse Abusers Psychological Abuse Abusive Parents Controlling Abusive Men Controlling Parents Controlling Others Controlling People Abusive Women Attitude Towards People Abusive Behavior I Own You

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When a man gets serious about changing he has to be willing to look at the choices he is making every day, from the most trivial to the most significant. He has to accept that no one and nothing other than him is determining what he does. If he backslides into drinking, if he returns to abusive behavior, if he cheats on his partner, it's because that's what he decided to do. In short: His change depends on his willingness to accept complete responsibility for his own actions. He has to stop blaming them on you, on his addic tion, on his childhood, or on anything else.”

Domestic Abuse Abusive Men Unhealthy Relationship Domestic Abusers

Book:The Joyous Recovery: A New Approach to Emotional Healing and Wellness

Source: The Joyous Recovery: A New Approach to Emotional Healing and Wellness

“You can't take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe. Because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in acheiving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before, because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you.”

Safety Domestic Abuse Abusive Men Partner Abuse

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. And, unfortunately, much of the society tends to follow unsuspectingly along behind him, helping him to close your eyes, and his, to his problem.”

Abusive Men Societal Constructs Societal Abuse

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist. These walls tend to grow over time, so that after a few years in a relationship my clients can reach a point where they feel no more guilt over degrading or threatening their partners than you or I would feel after angrily kicking a stone in the driveway.”

Abuse Objectification Abusive Relationships Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”

Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did not love his partner? If a mother were to kill one of her children, would we ever accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed by how much she cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we. Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land—and he owns them.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Sexual Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”

Abuse Abusive Relationships Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When a man’s face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive in the time it takes to turn around, his mental stability seems open to question. When he accuses his partner of plotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is no wonder that the partner of an abusive man would come to suspect that he was mentally ill. Yet the great majority of my clients over the years have been psychologically “normal.” Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they don’t hallucinate. Their perceptions of most life circumstances are reasonably accurate. They get good reports at work; they do well in school or training programs; and no one other than their partners—and children—thinks that there is anything wrong with them. Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.”

Abuse Mental Health Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Domestic Abuse Physical Abuse Abusive Relationships Verbal Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare. I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell.”

Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Abuse Survivors Physical Abuse Abusive Relationships Verbal Abuse Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let an angry and controlling man be the authority on partner abuse?”

Abuse Domestic Violence Domestic Abuse Alcoholic Abusive Men Abusive Partners

Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Source: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

About the Author

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Quotes: 62

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Books & Sources

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling MenRelated source material

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling MenRelated source material

The Joyous Recovery: A New Approach to Emotional Healing and WellnessRelated source material

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