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Lundy Bancroft

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Famous Lundy Bancroft Quotes

“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.” At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right.”

PsychologyAbuseDomestic ViolenceEmotional AbuseAbuse SurvivorsDomestic AbuseAbusersMental AbusePhysical AbusePsychological AbuseAbusive RelationshipsAbusive RelationshipAbused WomenAbusive MenAbuserAbusive Partners
Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”

AbuseDomestic ViolenceEmotional AbuseDomestic AbuseAbusersMental AbusePhysical AbusePsychological AbuseAbusive RelationshipsAbusive RelationshipAbused WomenAbusive MenAbuserAbusive PartnersAbusive Partner
Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS 1. He was abused as a child. 2. His previous partner hurt him. 3. He abuses those he loves the most. 4. He holds in his feelings too much. 5. He has an aggressive personality. 6. He loses control. 7. He is too angry. 8. He is mentally ill. 9. He hates women. 10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment. 11. He has low self-esteem. 12. His boss mistreats him. 13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution. 14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men. 15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner. 16. He is a victim of racism. 17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.”

AbuseDomestic ViolenceDomestic AbuseAbusersAbusive RelationshipAbusive MenAbusive Partners
Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”

AbuseOwnershipEmotional AbuseAbusersPsychological AbuseAbusive ParentsControllingAbusive MenControlling ParentsControlling OthersControlling PeopleAbusive WomenAttitude Towards PeopleAbusive BehaviorI Own You
Book:Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”

NeedsGivingFeelsTryingBelieveMatterEnoughSeemsResponsibilityDemandCaughtTrapsEntitledPitsNeedyDrainedAbusersCatering
Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser's mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.”

ThinkingFeelsReasonLevelsObjectsSeriousCoupleFitSpringCommitmentTreatsAbuseMindsetPartnersCoreReason WhyStreamsOwnershipAbusersPossessiveness
Author:Lundy Bancroft
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“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple's problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn't abuse.”

MeanProblemWomenSidesInterestDecisionViewsImpossibleMiddleCoupleBalanceAbuseVictimFaultsTraumaRecoverySettlingBalancedDrsImpossibilityExplainingOppressorsEloquentStanceNeutralityAbusersPerpetratorsWholeheartedlyAbusive RelationshipAbused WomenRelationship ProblemWeak Women
Book:Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”

ThinkingMenWorldFeelsMayPersonsProblemSeemsQualityKindnessSuccessfulPeriodsFitDrugIncludingObstaclesAlcoholPartnersWarmthRecognizingNo ProblemUnlikelySpinningIntimidatingAbusiveGood QualityAbusersMistreatmentSuccessful WorkSpinning Out Of Control
Author:Lundy Bancroft
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“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty-he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.”

HumansReasonFeelingsNightHumanityNextNaturalSleepLevelsEmotionClearProtectEmpathyConscienceDistanceGuiltCriticalPartnersCeaseCrueltyReason WhyHuman EmotionsAbusersObjectificationClear Conscience
Author:Lundy Bancroft
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