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Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Quotes

Satirist

Stephen Colbert is an American comedian, writer, television host, and political commentator. He is known for his satirical style on the show 'The Colbert Report' and is recognized for his wit and humor, often offering sharp commentary on political and social issues.

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Famous Stephen Colbert Quotes

“I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.”

People Believe Ends I Believe Talking Comedy Intention Gaps Cynical Seeming

Author:Stephen Colbert

“History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!”

Years Believe Hard Moving Five Gay Corporations Five Years Hard To Believe Personhood

Author:Stephen Colbert

“Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.”

Believe Hands Five Evolution Republican Percent Don't Believe Eight Sixty Monkeys

Author:Stephen Colbert

“And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”

Believe Christian Jesus I Believe Christ Accepting Path Jesus Christ Infinite Committed Savior Be You

Author:Stephen Colbert

“If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"”

Believe Moments Special Behavior Social Media All Time Demon Tweet

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.”

People Thinking Believe Country Progress Promise

Author:Stephen Colbert

“Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”

People Knows Men Believe Matter Home Belief President Decision Happened Events Type No Matter What Presses Checks Ems Spells Steady Secretary Monday Tuesday Wednesday Spell Check

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

Believe Government I Believe Standards Iraq Fabulous Hilarious

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”

Ifs Knows Believe Love Is Wonder Blind Live By God Is Love Love Is Blind

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

People Way Believe I Believe Issues Crosses Lakes Disagree Wade Roe V Wade

Author:Stephen Colbert

“When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.”

Believe Stills Matter President Change Business Happened No Matter What Monday Tuesday Wednesday Belive

Author:Stephen Colbert

“A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.”

“Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.”

People Believe Funny I Believe White Color Police Call Me Officers Police Officer

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.”

Believe Guy I Believe Saws I Believe In Pulling This Guy Bootstraps Cirque Du Soleil

Author:Stephen Colbert

“I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.”

“I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!”

Believe Soul I Believe Bears Creatures Machines Killing

Author:Stephen Colbert

About the Author

Born: May 13, 1964
Known for: Satirist
Quotes: 488

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