Quotessence
Home / Authors / Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Quotes

Satirist

Filter quotes by topic

AllIfsPeopleKnowsThinkingWantWayFactsMenShowsPresidentAmericaFunnyWorldBelieveDoeMeanNewsBookGayWells

Famous Stephen Colbert Quotes

“Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to just hit the backhand. You can't think about all the pieces of it. You can't think about your swing. You just have to do it. Reading someone else's deconstruction of what I do, all it does is put me in my head. On nights when the show goes particularly well, I am not aware of its fluidity. A lot of nights I'm just worried that I'm not going to be as good as the script in front of me.”

ThinkingWellsDoeShowsAbleBeautifulNightReadingPiecesFrontsJokesScriptsWorriedComedianEndeavorSwingsAthleticDeconstructionFluidity
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.”

IfsThinkingKnowsFeelsHeartSaidCoursesPresidentBrainAbsurdDividedSelectionNominations
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.”

IfsThinkingKnowsTryingMeanInterestingDealsGriefDoorsOkaySizePhrasesInteresting Things
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry.”

ThinkingWellsMadeDoneSeemsCareAmericaPresidentIndustryEuropeAngrySouthEightScreensHeyBurningApprovalContinentsWho CaresPresident BushBumpsTorchesNorth America
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can.”

PeopleThinkingShouldI CanHonestShould HaveOriginalsForgottenBreadFamiliarSandwichesTomatoesImpliedLettuce
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones.”

ThinkingFirstsChildrenSaidHardProblemWould BeKidsTodayLastsNightGamesBearsFirst TimeWinterBonesPoundsHockeyMailGlobesLast NightTorontoJuicyPolar Bears
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.”

ThinkingTryingChildrenSaidEyeTeachLaughingCryTearsDisciplineDaughterArgumentStatementsMy DaughterRemindersYelling
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image

“I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.”

ThinkingKnowsHeartBookCountryFactsTodayFacesNationsRepublicanDemocratBottomFolksOur CountryDividedPullingDon't Trust
Author:Stephen Colbert
Create image