“It's probably for the best that Van Gogh isn't around to see his work selling for squillions of dollars, as he'd probably start painting for that market. He may have lost an ear, but he'd still have that magic eye and a new nose for a deal. We're denied access to this poor man's genius by having the richest people on earth hanging his life's work in their mansions.” ArtCreativitySatireCritiqueSelling OutWealth InequalityVan GoghArtistic IntegrityArt MarketArt Accessibility Author:Stewart Stafford
“I think some people have missed the point of George Orwell's 1984 or they're deliberately avoiding its message. It was meant to be a stark warning against authoritarianism, not The Idiot's Guide To Starting A Big Brother Dictatorship which appears to be happening worldwide now. How very human.” FreedomHuman NatureSatireDictatorshipOne World Government1984OrwellOrwellianBig BrotherIdiot S Guide Author:Stewart Stafford
“Forced Perspective by Stewart Stafford She unscrewed my eyeballs with daggers, as she had with her father before, no doubt. Fractured the irises so I saw things her way, jamming them back in so they wouldn’t pop out. It took time before focus felt no longer strange, as she asked if we were now lockstep viewers. I told her I’d let her know the moment I did — and suggested she take a walk in the sewers. She took umbrage at that, giving me black eyes, reverting at last to an optical divorce. She tapped out — project fail — and we drifted apart, mutually, of course. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” DarkPowerRelationshipPsychologicalIronyControlSatireGothicGaslightingReverse Engineering Author:Stewart Stafford
“April's Fool by Stewart Stafford The fool of April enters bowing, Ritual humiliation's shameful call, A harsh harlequin's wooden stocks, Butchering "wit" to wound and maul. A victimless crime full of victims, Spring showers weep a jester's cheek, Reputations pilloried in estocada— Merciful gods spared us a week. By noon, the branding is over, The faux superior blunder on. Jokers think they're oh-so-clever, Booed offstage to oblivion gone. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” PainPowerSatireHumiliationAprilDark HumorJesterApril Fools DayApril FoolsShaming Author:Stewart Stafford
“B.S., I Luv You by Stewart Stafford Bite that lying tongue in your cheek, Shaman's mask to play hide-and-seek, A whirlpool vortex being, so deluded, Tarantuled me in, my senses denuded. Checking blood banks - Yes! You got paid! A sociopath's shameless, sick parade, In sycophant shade, carrion crows convene, Alibis caw over a cadaver's gangrene. Botox sessions ended frowned, Dredge up memories when you're around, Bury your drained victims, vampire creep, From oozing floorboards, vile secrets seep. Communing with nocturnal revelry, Hog feast at a bonfire of hypocrisy, Scapegoating ends in mirrored past, In tumbling runes, flaws naked, cast. © 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” PainMetaphorBetrayalIronySatireManipulationToxic RelationshipsSociopathDark PoetryLies And Deceit Author:Stewart Stafford
“None The Wiser by Stewart Stafford A blowtorch in my darkness, Flaming my head with "truth"; Regurgitated received "wisdom", Deviated septums only permitted. Envenomed cobra's indoctrination, Inundated with a fellow brainwashee, Love's verbiage fell side-mouthed; Shaved synapses of smoothed minds. Prematurely convention's captives, Identities wiped and rebooted for propagandist lobotomy, Induced comas—murky déjà vu. Age's heft drags down daily, Her "love" archived as interred lie, Slack-jawed deceit now perceptible, Disillusioned departure companion. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” PhilosophyDarkFamilyPsychologySocietySatireDystopianOrwellianLife CycleStewart Stafford Author:Stewart Stafford
“The Anatomy of Trades by Stewart Stafford Detective Toes, Senator Nose, Eye-eye Captain, And Rhinologist Blows. Banker Bum, Painter Thumb, Judge Mental, And Dentist Gum. Dancer Hip, President Lip, Dermatologist Peel, Goalie Fingertip. Beautician Eyelash, Barber Moustache Boxer Fist, And Doctor Rash. © Stewart Stafford, 2021. All rights reserved.” JobsPoetryPoemIronyPoemsSatireAnatomyFunny PoemFunny PoetryTrades Author:Stewart Stafford
“Necessary Equals by Stewart Stafford The grandest hearth cannot warm, Once grave chills touch the aged, The beggar donates his last coin, At a counting house of the well-waged. The giant is meek and misunderstood, As the slighted short one grows fiery, Life's spun gold pawned for pennies, The stricken strive to buy back entirely. In old age, winter shadows lengthen, As babes on tiptoes crave growth, So-called leaders spit out patron's lies, As a street madman roars his frank oath. Opposing siblings they are, but needed, Fellow travellers orbit on a path seeded. © Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.” LifePhilosophyLife LessonsSocietyInequalitySatireMetaphysicsRhymeContrastsParadoxes Author:Stewart Stafford
“Figurative Fun by Stewart Stafford Neigh, neigh, Hyperbole! Galloping into wild mares' play. I'd yell, "Egregious slander streaker!" But it skulks 'neath its nudist speaker. Understatedness hides in a selfie's rear; Verbosity hogging limelight sans fear; Caustic parody, satire, and critique, Peddling wares in skewed oblique. Gossip's lip, stained in a bloody hue; Rumour's half-baked harmonies slew; Utterances bejewelled speak of love, Absolutes sting as a duellist's glove. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” HumorHumourIronySatireRhymeDark HumorWordplayDark HumourFigurative LanguageExperimental Poetry Author:Stewart Stafford
“Space Boot Hill: The Urbane Frontier by Stewart Stafford Red hot, white hot, then what? Nostril fleas dancing at dawn, Creating Frankenstein rivals, Great Whites slumming as prawn. Melon farmers of the world unite! We like them big, ripe and juicy, See all the Vegans next Tuesday: Barbara, Doris, Amy and Lucy. And so we dodge the cosmic bullets, Of an Atraxis gunslinger, non-ritual dead, Playing possum, we slip away, Chiming life's aria, eternally spread. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” HumorSpaceHumourScience FictionWesternExistentialismSatireSurrealismSocial CommentaryAbsurdism Author:Stewart Stafford
“I don't know what happened, but in a pre-emptive strike, I'm offended on behalf of people who may have been offended even though that wasn't the intention. I'm also offended on behalf of people who may be allergic to apologies. Some people are probably offended by what I've written and I'm also offended on behalf of those people against myself.” HumorHumourSatirePolitical CorrectnessWokeSocial CommentaryZeitgeistMonty PythonTaking OffenseOverly Sensitive Author:Stewart Stafford
“The tragicomic paradox of satire: its targets often embrace their caricature, mistaking ridicule for recognition, choosing self-affirmation’s blue pill over truth’s sting, as a primate, blind to their own reflection.” PsychologyTragedySelf AwarenessIronySatireBlindnessKing LearThe MatrixThe FoolMisrecognition Author:Stewart Stafford
“Aubergine, Auberga, Life Goes On by Stewart Stafford The Devil is in the oxtails, A foetus lacking the superb, Granny Smith or Granny Shit, Modulation without the reverb. A penguin picked up gingerly, Unaware what had hit his ice, A Matterhorn tuxedo Cha-Cha, Casinoed fits from tumbling dice. O, to have knees of broccoli! Each eye a glittering ruby grape, A peacenik parsley neck surrender, Florid garnish to an eggplant nape. Forgive me if I go daydreaming, Your déjà vu’s recurring nightmare, An offer of hunger strike insomnia, A gun-to-the-head vigil with flair. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” SatireDark HumorParodyContemporary PoetryAbsurdismThe BeatlesBody HorrorBlack ComedySurreal PoetryOb La Di Author:Stewart Stafford
“Bizzaro Time by Stewart Stafford I took dawn selfies on a bridge, Geneva worms conferred in slime, A woman's dog slithered serpentine, It snapped and hissed in bizarro time. A businessman's briefcase in flight, Went public in a philanthropist sky, Umbrellas blossomed into trees, Peacenik pigeon medal caught the eye. Coffee shops served liquid light, Brewed up pagan code of yore, Pedestrians' morphed molten form, Glass-blown in tangerine pour. We shared loop shrugs, muted pleas, Sober intoxication's escapist twist, A uniquely-marketed Tuesday morn, Dreamt up to commodify every tryst. © 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” TechnologyAuthenticitySatireDystopianSurrealismSocial CommentaryAbsurdismCommodificationSocial Commentary HumorSocial Commentary Satire Author:Stewart Stafford
“Bloodline by Stewart Stafford Stuart Richards, 5,001st in line to the British throne, A distant cousin of the king but hitherto unknown, He dreamt of the crown and his fair queen's hand, But there was no baiting the hook unless he had a plan. He chose to eliminate the competition, stood before him, Through a dark celebration, they'd never know what hit them, He sent out invitations to the 5, 000 heirs, Promising vast feasting, with music and fanfare He built a fake house front with a door and a sign, That said: "Welcome to the party. Now, kindly form a line." Behind the door, there awaited a cliff face and a fall, A master of deception, his warm smile greeted them all. He stood at the front door with a charming bow, And, welcoming each guest, he said: "In you go now!" He watched them disappear as they stepped through the door, Counting steps to ascension, lemmings queued up for more. Backslapping himself, inner cackling at his scheme, Imagining himself as king - glory rained down, it seemed, But his Machiavellian plotting had a monstrous flaw, One thing he'd forgotten that greedy eyes never saw. The king was still alive, and he was not amused, He got wind of this plot and responded unconfused, He sent his guards to arrest him for sedition in a fury, They swept him off his feet, planting him before a jury. Put on trial for treason - the verdict was most guilty, Execution set, he had the neck to beg for mercy, But the king was not budging and barked: "Off with his head!" An Axeman's reverse coronation, he joined the fallen dead. Halting 2,986th in line to the British throne, A distant cousin of the king, headless spirit flown, In jealous craving, dispossessed as ruler of the land, Crowned pride came before a fallen plan. © Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.” PowerAmbitionSatireRoyaltySuccessionDark HumorDark HumourFunny PoemFunny PoetryUsurper Author:Stewart Stafford
“The Almighty Jar by Stewart Stafford Protestors in the street chanted: "Crackpot!" Mocking supreme leader The Almighty Jar, Rattling it into swift and oleaginous action, It flipped its lid and sought vengeance. The jar ordered its troops to open fire, On the defiant yet unarmed crowd, But the army flatly refused to obey, Until the jar started oozing sneakily. Too late came a decree that military personnel, Smear Deindividuation serum on themselves, Freedom fighters stormed the jar's shelf palace, Smashing it and replacing it with an urn. © 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” Science FictionSatireDictatorshipDystopianTotalitarianismDark HumorSocial CommentaryAbsurdismPolitical SatireOrwellian Author:Stewart Stafford
“Venom by Stewart Stafford Thou art the Great Pudenda; The usurper king of Puck's Fair, Miasma ague, a goat's smear, From a reeking jakes' baited bear! Thou dost hurl thy feeble barbs, Witted pits 'gainst an impregnable bard, With dagger'd quill to etch thy epitaph, Far-outliving thy quarrel's shard. Toad-spawn at the gates of Hades; Cast out from its cursed ground, For the dunghill art thou fit, With its foul beetles all around. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” SatireDark HumorDisdainInsultsDark HumourDark PoetryInsults And SlanderShakespearean InsultVerbal SparringInvective Poetry Author:Stewart Stafford
“Knowhere by Stewart Stafford Poleaxed by vampiric tapping— rattling timeline of a loop lapping— Hypochondriac paranoid toothache, tasting everything I see and break. Showed my tongue to an undertaker; licked his face — proved I’m no faker. A measured, grim diagnosis followed, matter from a cardiac pump hollowed. Draped loosely in a tea towel shroud, resurrected—naked, loud, and proud— Rocket to the pub for a post-wake baptism, a ploughman’s lunch with relish schism. © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” PoetryExistentialismSatireDark HumorSurrealismContemporary PoetryAbsurdismGothic PoetryHorror PoetryBritish Humor Author:Stewart Stafford
“Richard Burton by Stewart Stafford Jester’s coxcomb to a fool’s translator? A brothel-creeper in a neon-puked alley, A bean-counter totalling rice grains; Surreptitious, scrumptious attic grub. Stand back, witness me Manspread! Lease me your lobes while I Mansplain! Overcome, I expire in an orchestra pit From the fumes of acute "Toxic Masculinity." Hear my epitaph: "Women aren't funny... so put on the Earl Grey, love!" Coup de grâce! Many have said where I should stick my opinion, But I leave the worst to the collective imagination. © 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” PoetryIronySatireSexismPersonaDark HumorSocial CommentaryToxic MasculinityMansplainingManspreading Author:Stewart Stafford
“O, gentle Bard, if thou couldst but glimpse our digital age! We set words in light called ‘blogs,’ Which are, alas, neither fens nor afflictions. They are thoughts taken wing for the world to see, Much like thou didst with plays posthumously, Held eternally aloft in iambic pentameter.” PoetrySatireLiterary FictionBlogsDigital AgeWordplayContemporary LiteratureShakespeareanModern ClassicIambic Pentameter Author:Stewart Stafford
“If we bloggers have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but wander’d here While this wordage did appear. And this sprightly, vigorous theme, No more yielding but a dream. © 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” SatireBlogsWordplayPuckContemporary LiteratureA Midsummer Nights DreamLiterary HumorLiterary HumourShakespeare ParodyIambic Tetrameter Author:Stewart Stafford
“Roadkill Rocker by Stewart Stafford I ordered madness on toast. My reflection pooled on the floor, splashed around in it for ages, until room service imploded the door. “Time to pay the piper, son,” it growled — “It’s my record label’s tab, you’ll find out!” They clay-pigeoned my sandwich at me, my last morsel before getting kicked out. Housekeeping surveyed the wreckage, this one-man party animal slunk to his feet: “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” “Yeah — I’m roadkill from down the street!” © 2026, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.” SatireExcessRock And RollSelf DestructionHangoverSurreal PoetryParty AnimalThe Morning AfterGrit LitUrban Gothic Author:Stewart Stafford