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Dark Humour Quotes

Browse 69 quotes about Dark Humour.

Dark Humour Quotes

“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”

GodReligionFaithDarkDark Humour
Book:The Wasp Factory
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“My personal theory is that one of you, me, is always faulty, like a toy purchased without the batteries. It is not until you have had time to go out and buy batteries, to put them in, to turn it on, that you realise it doesn't work the way that you wanted. Doesn't match what you hoped for. It never did. I am a bright, broken thing that he lost the receipt for.”

FunnyFictionDramaSadThrillerDramaticIntrigueHeartwarmingDark HumourHeart Wrenching
Book:Memories of a Lost Thesaurus
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“The jogger came upon them after the tragedy occurred and witnessed Raymond preparing to take off on his bike while Howard lay facedown on the ground with a metal spike through his head. When the cops arrived at the scene and questioned Raymond, he told them, “I don’t know … he like fell on it, or something. I was just riding my bike to the grocery store when I passed him on the trail. He was walking on the path while I was biking by. He saw me and said hello and then he fell face-first on a spike. I was like, ‘Dude, does that hurt?’ but he didn’t reply or move.” When the cops asked him why he was trying to flee the scene, he said, “I was going to get help on my bike. Maybe doctors could, like, unspike his head or something, like, I don’t know.”

HumorHumourDark HumorBlack HumorDark HumourBlack Humour
Book:The Beasts of Success
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“Figurative Fun by Stewart Stafford Neigh, neigh, Hyperbole! Galloping into wild mares' play. I'd yell, "Egregious slander streaker!" But it skulks 'neath its nudist speaker. Understatedness hides in a selfie's rear; Verbosity hogging limelight sans fear; Caustic parody, satire, and critique, Peddling wares in skewed oblique. Gossip's lip, stained in a bloody hue; Rumour's half-baked harmonies slew; Utterances bejewelled speak of love, Absolutes sting as a duellist's glove. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

HumorHumourIronySatireRhymeDark HumorWordplayDark HumourFigurative LanguageExperimental Poetry
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“The Phantastic Phantasms by Stewart Stafford Halloween Henry sitting on top of a pumpkin he made Eyes are ablaze Morbid Melissa breastfeeding strychnine to all of the babes Her smile never fades Don’t you see that darkness creeping? It’s a nightmare without sleeping Trick-or-Treat Trevor knocking on doors with no head to display It’s his headless way Emmet The Clownface Haunting the grounds of an old children’s school He’s nobody’s ghoul On a carpet of Autumn leaves They’re around every All Hallow’s Eve Sam O’Terry counting the bones of his earthly remains None of them lame Simon-Whose-Head-Hurts taking his 920th overdose Chemically verbose They will always do their worst On October the 31st ©Stewart Stafford, 2018. All rights reserved.”

HalloweenDark HumourSamhainPhantasmAll Hallows EveHalloween PoemHalloween PoemsAll HallowsHalloween CreaturesHalloween Beasts
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“Some Cutting Advice by Stewart Stafford Before you pick up your knife, To run your enemy through, Know the entry wound bleeds red, And the exit thrust bleeds blue. Not because they are of noble birth, But they are protected by a mighty hand, Not just of those moneyed and influential, But the mightiest hands in all the land. So stab with caution, I urge you, For the blade jabs back in your gut, Swallow the bile that fuels you so, Lest it be your throat you cut. © Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”

AdvicePlotWarningPersuasionCautionDark HumorAssassinationDark HumourStabJulius Caesar
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“Did you kill that man?' Smoothing out the skirts of the gown, I crossed my ankles. 'I believe he slipped and fell upon my blade.' 'Was it his throat that fell upon your blade?' 'Odd, right?' 'Odd, indeed.' Ezra tilted her head to the side as she stared blankly at me. 'That happens quite often around you.' 'Unfortunately,' I arched a brow at my stepsister. 'Men with careless fists should be more mindful of where they step.' A faint smile appeared on Ezra's face. 'You know, you do frighten me a little.' I turned to the carriage window as we rolled down the sunny street. 'I know.”

FunnySarcasmJennifer L ArmentroutDark HumourJokingA Shadow In The EmberFlesh And FireSera MierelSeraphina MierelEzra
Book:A Shadow in the Ember
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“The Penultimate Hotel by Stewart Stafford Enter sluggishly into the lobby, A banquet is in progress in the restaurant, They’re regurgitating reality from within, And then eating their young. An apocalyptic porter has radioactive cubes in the lift, Housekeeping will have ten thousand years of light, But the sheets in the rooms, Will all turn to cream cheese. The cooks in the kitchen are breaking bones and rules, Creating a cake that stretches to infinity, Babel babble with protesting eggs, All baked in a hellfire oven. The concierge gives out tips, And tells guests they are awful and to leave, While simultaneously tattooing diabolical potion recipes, Inside a willing bellhop’s eyelids. © 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

HotelGothicDark HumorSurrealismWhimsicalDark HumourBritish HumourBlack ComedyBritish HumorFawlty Towers
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“The clown wanted to bypass all medical care and cure his cancer with a naturopathic doctor. What a fool, right?” ... Karver’s smirk widened a little. “That’s right, my good man. They shouldn’t even be able to call themselves doctors. Making people eat roots, tree bark, dirt and whatnot. If they stopped trying to peddle their snake oil, maybe they’d stop mysteriously dying or disappearing.” Karver paused for a few seconds, grinning at Frank in silence, creating an awkward moment ...”

DoctorsSatireDark HumorDoctors And PatientsDark HumourNaturopathicNaturopathyDoctors Who KillDoctors IgnoranceNaturopaths
Book:The Beasts of Success
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“Bloodline by Stewart Stafford Stuart Richards, 5,001st in line to the British throne, A distant cousin of the king but hitherto unknown, He dreamt of the crown and his fair queen's hand, But there was no baiting the hook unless he had a plan. He chose to eliminate the competition, stood before him, Through a dark celebration, they'd never know what hit them, He sent out invitations to the 5, 000 heirs, Promising vast feasting, with music and fanfare He built a fake house front with a door and a sign, That said: "Welcome to the party. Now, kindly form a line." Behind the door, there awaited a cliff face and a fall, A master of deception, his warm smile greeted them all. He stood at the front door with a charming bow, And, welcoming each guest, he said: "In you go now!" He watched them disappear as they stepped through the door, Counting steps to ascension, lemmings queued up for more. Backslapping himself, inner cackling at his scheme, Imagining himself as king - glory rained down, it seemed, But his Machiavellian plotting had a monstrous flaw, One thing he'd forgotten that greedy eyes never saw. The king was still alive, and he was not amused, He got wind of this plot and responded unconfused, He sent his guards to arrest him for sedition in a fury, They swept him off his feet, planting him before a jury. Put on trial for treason - the verdict was most guilty, Execution set, he had the neck to beg for mercy, But the king was not budging and barked: "Off with his head!" An Axeman's reverse coronation, he joined the fallen dead. Halting 2,986th in line to the British throne, A distant cousin of the king, headless spirit flown, In jealous craving, dispossessed as ruler of the land, Crowned pride came before a fallen plan. © Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.”

PowerAmbitionSatireRoyaltySuccessionDark HumorDark HumourFunny PoemFunny PoetryUsurper
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“The Zombie Firetruck by Stewart Stafford Sirens moan, grave duty's flash of red, A mortuary whiff of something dead, Hoses trained with brains they suck, Your friendly neighbourhood zombie firetruck! All that remained of the human fire team, From the zombie pandemic of 2017, Still in their uniforms, their only treasures, Apocalyptic times call for end-time measures. When they reached the fire, people did scoff, They lurched, staggered, body parts fell off, As they wandered around, fire hoses forlorn, These knightly living dead faced a blazing dawn. The chief, hat off to his skeleton crew, In a voice once alive, now croaky like flu: 'To the hydrant, my ghouls, let's save Gothik Town, Or they'll call Ghostbusters, we'll be the clowns!' A glowering inferno, a cremation scene, Zombie firefighters, brave and light green. Through smoke and ash, they gravely stand, Composed decomposition with skeletal hand. Axeman Bony Ed led their clattering charge, Into the smoke, his cadavers did barge, The townsfolk looked on in dead of night, And disbelief, tiredness and mild fright. There soon followed medic Cemetery Phil, Decaying Murphy, Old Salty, and Dead Drill, Slab Stevens, Madly Hyde and Molly Voodoo, Determined to shake their initial hoodoo. A mother and baby backed by burning drapes, Team Macabre charged up the fire escape, Saving both and getting everyone out, Drank Brainer Ade as they leaked like a spout. Somehow, undead teamwork saved the day, No lives were lost as the water sprayed, Doused the flames, cool flatlined heroes, Much zombie kudos, no longer scary zeroes. The crowd cheered, did they ever doubt it? High fives lost hands but new ones sprouted, Frankenstein proud in their flapping flesh, Sure to get medals at the HalloweenFest. With a final groan and a clatter of bones, The zombie firetruck headed back home. Rotten yet proud, in their reanimated way, The risen would fight fires another day. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

ZombieDark HumorZombiesDark HumourBlack ComedyFunny PoemFunny PoetryZombie Apocalypse HumorFire TruckHorror Parody
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“Venom by Stewart Stafford Thou art the Great Pudenda; The usurper king of Puck's Fair, Miasma ague, a goat's smear, From a reeking jakes' baited bear! Thou dost hurl thy feeble barbs, Witted pits 'gainst an impregnable bard, With dagger'd quill to etch thy epitaph, Far-outliving thy quarrel's shard. Toad-spawn at the gates of Hades; Cast out from its cursed ground, For the dunghill art thou fit, With its foul beetles all around. © 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”

SatireDark HumorDisdainInsultsDark HumourDark PoetryInsults And SlanderShakespearean InsultVerbal SparringInvective Poetry
Author:Stewart Stafford
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“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose. "Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket. Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time. "Which one broke my nose?" "That'd be Dennis.”

FunnyMysteryCrimeMurderIntelligentPoliceContemporaryPsychologicalThrillerSuspensePsychiatristMagical RealismMurder MysterySerial KillerDark HumourStrong Female CharacterFast PaceCriminal ProfilerChandleresque
Book:Gatsby's Smile
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“Apparently, we're all in the frame," I heard Harry murmur somewhere behind me. And I whirled back to him. Innate, irrational anger surged. Then stopped, dead - as I suddenly took in Handsome, Robert and Doc. They were all staring at me. They were concentrating, all resolute, all a tad furrow-browed… upon my face. Self-consciousness burgeoned. I gingerly fingered my and lips and my chin, "Am I drooling?" "Your arse is hanging out," said Harry, not looking up from the forensics he was scanning. And so it was. Handsome, Robert and Doc averted their eyes as I, wishing I'd merely been dribbling, grabbed the back flaps of my breezy hospital gown, fully placed my back against the wall. Then, thinking better of it, dived hurriedly, carefully, back into bed. If Chinese Lady'd been here, she could've, would've, told me. I missed her already.”

FunnyMysteryCrimeMurderIntelligentPoliceContemporaryPsychologicalThrillerSuspensePsychiatristMagical RealismMurder MysterySerial KillerDark HumourStrong Female CharacterFast PaceCriminal ProfilerChandleresque
Book:Gatsby's Smile
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“The waitress gave Dale the stink eye while collecting his discarded food and drink. While she performed the removal, Dale read the text on her shirt. I’VE MASTERED MY SHIT, SO IF WE’RE ARGUING DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE, YOU’RE THE ONE BEING A BITCH, NOT ME. I’M ENLIGHTENED, ASSHOLE.”

HumorEnlightenmentNew AgeAstrologyDark HumorDark HumourNew Age MovementNew Age And SpiritualityMercury RetrogradeTexted Shirts
Book:The Beasts of Success
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“She was knitting a sweater and enjoying the calm atmosphere of her living room when her chubby, beer-drinking, sports-watching husband woke from a nap on the couch screaming, “Touchdown!” At the moment her serenity had been broken, she unconsciously reacted by swinging around and plunging a knitting needle into her husband’s throat. While blood squirted from his throat and his shocked face produced gurgling sounds, she lifted from her chair and drove the other knitting needle into his beer-ballooned stomach over and over again. Blood and beer gushed out of his belly like a punctured fish tank. As her husband gurgled and deflated, she stared down at him with a beaming smile. She had found her new hobby—annihilating assholes. She had cut up her husband into nice little pieces and used him as fertilizer for her backyard garden. Never again did her cozy house get raped by blaring sounds of sports emanating from a television set. The TV went into the garbage and the living room was converted into a tea room.”

SportsHorrorDark HumorHusband And WifeBlack HumorDark HumourBeasts Of SuccessKilling PeopleHusband Wife Problem SolutionBlack Humour
Book:The Beasts of Success
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“She dared to move further into the apartment. She crept closer to the open bathroom door. This Percy fellow was kneeling in the bathtub, fully clothed, hot water cascading over him. He appeared to be praying, as well he should. Percy Augustus Willoughby had had a very bad night, that was evidently true. She watched a second longer, and then crept back to the living room sofa.”

CrimeDramaMurderThrillerSuspenseDark HumourVigilante
Book:The Bean Sidhe
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“Her gaze fell upon the bottle sitting on the coffee table directly in front of her. The label declared it to be something called cinnamon whiskey. The bottle was half full. She unscrewed the top, and took a long pull. The fire went directly to her sphincter. Recovery was slow. She couldn’t believe the little man presently busy praying in the bathroom couldn’t hear her gasping for air. She replaced the cap and studied the bottle’s label. What the hell is cinnamon whiskey anyway? Whoever this little prick is, he is definitely tougher than he looks.”

CrimeDramaMurderThrillerSuspenseDark HumourVigilante
Book:The Bean Sidhe
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