William Ury Books & Quotes

“The assistant stayed away from the job—withdrew her cooperation—until the boss came to his senses and accepted her No to bullying (which was actually a Yes to respect).”

Respect Cooperation Bully Withdraw Stay Away

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Your Plan B may seem like an imposed consequence since it is you who are the key actor. But remember what your Plan B is—your best alternative should the other refuse to respect your interests. It is not a punishment for the other, but simply the logical path for you to follow in pursuit of your legitimate needs. It is an alternative path to success. Let your Plan B speak for itself. Through your quiet tone and confidence, let the other know you are serious about carrying out your Plan B with its attendant logical consequences.”

Interest Serious Confidence Respect Consequence Refuse Need Plan B Alternative

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“The Power of a Positive No describes how to say No when it is vital to stand up and protect your core interests and values. It is not just about how to say No, however, but about how to do so in a respectful and constructive manner that can potentially lead to agreement. As its subtitle indicates, it is about how to say No and still get to Yes.”

Interest Protect Respect Value Agreement Constructive Stand Up No Positive No

Book:Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

Source: Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

“You need confidence to stand up for yourself in the face of the other’s reaction. You need power to be able to follow through on your No if the other refuses to respect it.”

Power Confidence Respect Refuse Stand Up Follow Through React

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“If you are refusing an alcoholic drink, for instance, you don’t need to justify your refusal. A simple respectful “No thanks” will do. You know your Yes—that is essential—but sometimes you keep it to yourself, because it is your business and not theirs.”

Respect Refuse Justify

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“If the other refuses to respect your No, you may see only two choices: submission and outright war. Yet there is a third choice, highlighted by Gandhi: to underscore your Positive No. Don’t overreact, underscore. To underscore means to emphasize patiently and persistently that No in fact means No. It means continuing to stand up for what is important to you without destroying the possibility of a deal or a healthy relationship.”

War Relationship Respect Refuse Persist Submission Stand Up Underscore

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“By refusing to respect you and your needs, the other is bringing about a certain set of natural consequences, which themselves can become the other’s teacher. Your job is to simply facilitate the learning process, beginning by asking reality-testing questions, and proceeding to warnings.”

Respect Consequence Refuse Need Warning Learn

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“As Gandhi recognized and demonstrated, perhaps the chief positive power we have in a world of relationships is the ability to withdraw our cooperation if the other refuses to respect our legitimate interests.”

Interest Power Relationship Respect Refuse Withdraw Cooperate

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Instead of telling your friend, “I’m not going with you to the game,” say, “I’ll catch you after the game.” In other words, put your focus on the positive while creating the boundary you need.”

Focus Positive Boundary

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“If you open a door, however, as Diane Nash did with her persistent questions, you offer the other a way out and all your power can be deployed in persuading them to take it. In short, rather than working to frustrate the other, focus on redirecting their attention to a positive outcome.”

Attention Power Positive Door Outcome Persuade Redirect

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Framing your solution negatively, such as “Don’t shout at me,” tends to focus the other’s attention even more on the unwanted behavior and may unconsciously reinforce it, particularly if you are shouting back at them. It is more effective to say, quietly, “Please talk to me in a quiet tone.” Focus the other’s mind clearly on the positive action you want them to take.”

Action Focus Positive Frame

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“The son changed the focus from the negative (“Sell the house”) to the positive (“Try this new arrangement for six weeks”). In other words, don’t just tell the other to stop doing something you don’t want; ask them to start doing something you do want.”

Want Focus Positive Negative

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Acknowledge the truth of the difficulties, thank the person, and focus on a positive future.”

Truth Focus Positive Future Difficulty Acknowledge Thank

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Your repetition can be intentional. You can use the same anchor phrase freshly each time, renewed by focusing on your underlying intention— the deeper Yes that lies within you. You can also humanize the repetition with a smile or acknowledgment.”

Focus Smile Acknowledge Repetition Anchor

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Whether you attack or yield, you are reacting. You are off track, no longer focused on the prize—the protection of your core interests and needs. Yielding rewards the other’s abusive behavior, and counterattacking reinforces it. In either case, you interrupt the other’s process of accepting our No. The choice is yours. The moment you react to the other’s reaction, you are initiating an action-reaction cycle that can go on forever. The alternative is not to react but rather to stay true to your underlying Yes. Keep your focus on what matters to you.”

Interest Focus Protect Yield Need Attack React Off Track

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Take a deep breath and focus on your purpose—your Yes—in this situation. Ask yourself what you really want and what is really important here. In other words, shift from being reactive and focused on No, to being proactive and focused on Yes.”

Important Purpose Focus Proactive Reactive

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Effective negotiation requires a persistent focus on what is most important.”

Important Focus Negotiation Persistent

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Most attackers are looking for easy victims. They’re not looking for a fight, not even a verbal one. Saying No makes you a less attractive target. Submitting and being nice to attackers in the hope that they will be nice to you in return is not the safest strategy.” Saying “No!” helps you gather your energy, reminds you of your right to say No, draws attention, and expresses your power.”

Energy Power Nice Victim Target Fight Submit Right Attack Say No

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“You can empathize without sympathizing.”

Sympathize Empathize

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Take Away Their Stick If the other’s reaction to our No is to hurt or threaten us, our first instinct may be to hurt them back. A more effective strategy, however, is to neutralize the impact of their behavior. If, as in the story of the Zen master, they are threatening to hit you with a stick, don’t hit them back; just take away the stick. In other words, don’t attack the other, but simply remove their ability to attack you.”

Hurt Strategy Threat Attack Stick Neutralize

Book:The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

Source: The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

William Ury Books

The Power of a Positive No: How to Say...

Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficu...

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