“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"” PeopleLongUseHumorFunnyMotherGuyFoundWishHairDrugDaughterLongingExcitedExtremesStrangerSmellCakeAssociatesThat GuyLong HairFlourDrug Use Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."” KnowsMindHumorFunnyGuyLostCrazyMouthsSaneThat GuyStraws Author:Mitch Hedberg
“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"” ThinkingKnowsProblemHumorFunnyGuyAudienceLaughingJokesThat GuyDistinctive Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"” ThinkingKnowsMeanHas BeensHomeHumorSchoolFunnyGuyTvsHigh SchoolSittingPopeThat GuyJerkPolandWatching Tv Author:Jim Gaffigan
“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.” PlayHumorFunnyFilmGuyWalksRolesWifeCastsRuinsThat GuyRevolver Author:Tina Fey
“I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."” IfsKnowsHumorMightFunnyGuyNextLinesSawsChecksVideoTowersJumpingBuddyFlewThat GuyCordsOperatorsBungee JumpingBungee Author:Bill Engvall