Best winning & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“An insincere critic of a sincere person never wins.”

Persons Funny Winning Critics Sincere Hater Insincere

Source: Killosophy

“All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.”

Years Has Beens Funny Winning Stupid Mets Los Angeles Stadiums Dodgers Dodger Stadium

“Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”

Men Needs Humor Funny Winning Causes Beats Arguing Make Sense Handicapped

Author:Chris Rock

“We don't want wars even when we win.”

Want War Funny Winning

Book:As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

Source: As good as Golda: the warmth and wisdom of Israel's Prime Minister

“I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians.”

Funny Guy Winning Team Glad

Author:Tommy Lasorda

“Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'”

Years Funny Next Winning Stars Horse Dancing Olympics Competing Romney Next Year London Olympics Dancing With The Stars

Author:David Letterman

“Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.”

Men Home Funny Courses House Winning Team Gold Soccer Upset Los Angeles Mexico Olympics Congratulations Medal Mexican Brazil Gold Medals London Olympics Soccer Team

Author:Jay Leno

“The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.”

Ifs Needs Today Funny Winning One Thing Events Gold Horse Shame Olympics Competing Medal Romney London Olympics Dressage

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.”

Hands Funny Winning Pay Gold Debt Chinese Olympics Trails Medal Gold Medals London Olympics

Author:Stephen Colbert

“An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.”

Hard Funny Winning Social Loss Media Gold Blame Social Media Defense Swimming Olympics Medal Australian Tweet Gold Medals Swimmer London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

Ifs Wells Country Use Funny Winning Gold Cash Olympics Medal Gold Medals European Countries London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.”

Funny Next Winning Gold Blind South Athlete Scared Olympics Medal Korea Gold Medals South Korea Archery London Olympics

Author:Jimmy Fallon

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Funny Winning

Author:Dave Attell

“No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.”

Humor Funny Games Winning Team

Author:George Carlin

“I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!”

Ifs Humor Funny Winning Lucky Cards Winner Lunch Business Card

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."”

Want Giving Humor Funny Winning Rich Gun Give Me Cute Dimples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."”

Ifs Knows Shows Humor Happens Funny Guy Winning Happened Advertising Choke Advertisements Hamburgers Casinos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”

Ifs Men Want Humor Would Be Funny Winning Fairs Crafts Prize Handful Jars

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”

Men Humor Funny Winning Team Car Fulfilled Introspective

Author:Rita Rudner

“The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.”

Firsts Humor Funny Games Winning Baseball Splits Fifth

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.”

Humor Running Funny Lasts Games Winning Baseball Ties Last Time Dodgers

Author:Jerry Coleman

“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?”

Ifs Men Use Humor Funny Found Winning Situation Photograph Speed Setting Settings Prize Drowning Shutters Prize Winning

Author:Paul Harvey

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.”

Ifs Way Humor Funny Winning Figures

Author:Marc Maron

“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.”

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey

“If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow.”

Ifs Funny Winning Comedy Losing Picks Nfl Wow

Author:Norman Chad

“Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo.”

Looks Funny Winning Results Football Finals Fantastic

Author:David Coleman

“You can't win a game if you don't score any points.”

Ifs Funny Games Winning Nfl Score Can't Win

Author:John Madden

“Haters never win. I just think that's true about life, because negative energy always costs in the end.”

Thinking Ends Funny Winning Energy Cost Negative Hater Negative Energy My Haters Hater Jealousy Haters And Jealousy Jealous Hater Your Haters

Author:Tom Hiddleston

“In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball.”

Funny Order Games Winning Team Balls Nfl Quarterback

Author:John Madden

“I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose.”

Knows Funny Used Winning Loses Player Nfl Als

Author:John Madden

“On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one.”

World Inspirational Enough Funny Winning Winner Prize Good Enough Entertaining Championship Athletics Bloopers

Author:Michael Johnson

“If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”

Ifs Knows Stills Humor Funny Winning Numbers Psychics Lottery

Author:Steven Wright

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Winning Quotes