Home / Authors / Alonzo Bodden Books

Alonzo Bodden

Alonzo Bodden Books

Comedian

Alonzo Bodden is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and sharp wit. Born on June 13, 1962, he has been active in the comedy scene since the 1990s, gaining widespread recognition and acclaim for his exceptional comedic talent and personal charm.

No books found for this author.

Related Quotes

“I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.”

Ifs I Can Turns Fun Fans Car Couple Mets Driving Circles Nascar Car Driving

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.”

World I Can Passion Imagine

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.”

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.”

Used Honest Comic Honest Work

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.”

Company Fantasy Claims Burning Insurance Companies Burning Down

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.”

Knows Men Kind Guy Strong Goal Talking Know How Involved Gay Shapes Blow Work Out Muscles Gym Ripped Gay Men Gay Guy

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.”

Ifs Fun Waiting Lines Shoes Idiot Bombs Bras Bombers

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.”

Firsts Eye Sleep Yeah Hook Chicks Psycho Hook Up

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.”

Ifs Knows Hurt Laughing Focus Groups Jokes Funny Jokes Focus Groups Got Hurt

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.”

Thinking Wells Ideas Protect Yeah No Idea Idiot Comforter Duvets

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.”

Mean Listening Communicate Fake

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.”

People Knows Want Firsts Persons Facts Stuff Black Sells Stealing Planes Aviation Black People Airplane Alright Black Person

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.”

Trying Years Women Scientist Cash Viagra

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.”

Giving Would Be Three Names Goal Give Me Comedian Fortunate

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.”

Want Mean Beautiful Laughing Comedy Nice Drug Musician Laughter Paid Jazz Crowds Relate Beautiful Things Jazz Music Jazz Musician

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!”

Years Running Kids Hate Years Ago Vegetables Tomatoes Fda Spinach

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.”

Black Old Days Good Old Days

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I could always make people laugh.”

People Laughing Making People Laugh

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?”

Firsts Long Sex News Divorce

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?”

Ifs Thinking Men Trying Attitude Late Ass Planes Airplane Whips Bad Attitude

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.”

Men World Saws Car Driving Highways Asian Suvs Guardrails

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.”

Shows Home Stuff Jewelry

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.”

Ifs Trying I Can Kids Wanted Moving Black Comedy Males Work Out Desperate Museums Gardening Suburbs Housewife Black Males Desperate Housewives

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.”

Disappear Something New

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.”

School Wish Fronts Down And Airplane Shut Up Elementary School

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.”

People Differences Style Skills Performances Safety Noise Triumph Rockets Gears Chrome Honda

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.”

Fun Laughing Nice Teaching Benefits I Realized More Time Steady Airplane Mechanic Paychecks Laid Off

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.”

People Matter Black Loses Figures Months Black People Latino Matter Of Time

Author:Alonzo Bodden

“I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.”

Hurt Grew Grew Up Angry Suburbs Starbucks

Author:Alonzo Bodden

About the Author

Born: June 13, 1962
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 29

Related Topics

Ifs Airplane Black Laughing People Firsts Fun I Can Knows Men

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Similar Authors

Chris RockBrowse related quotes
Louis C. K.Browse related quotes
Alvin M. JohnstonBrowse related quotes
Dane CookBrowse related quotes
Arthur P. WarnerBrowse related quotes
Jacques RosayBrowse related quotes
Katherine StinsonBrowse related quotes
Malcolm XBrowse related quotes
Arthur Whitten BrownBrowse related quotes
Ricky GervaisBrowse related quotes