“If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.” IfsDoneHouseHavensPaperBathroomToiletsSlidesToilet Paper Author:Paul Merton
“I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” IfsKnowsI CanFunnyRecordsComedyAirHumorousVictimWho You AreMedicalTeethCrashAmazedDentistDentalToothacheDentistryDental Work Author:Paul Merton
“If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.” PeopleIfsLaughingLaughterComedianCheating80sMaking People LaughCircuits Author:Paul Merton
“On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?” IfsMindFirstsSaidGuyNew YorkHumorousParksNew DayMugCentral Park Author:Paul Merton
“My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'” IfsGivingTryingJobsBlowExcuseFavouriteYou Like ItYellingAlleysExcuse MeBlow JobTranssexuals Author:Paul Merton
