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Daughter Quotes

Browse 3073 quotes about Daughter.

Daughter Quotes

“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”

People Long Use Humor Funny Mother Guy Found Wish Hair Drug Daughter Longing Excited Extremes Stranger Smell Cake Associates That Guy Long Hair Flour Drug Use

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.”

Humor Today Funny Waiting Team Daughter Baseball Funeral Attending

Author:Jerry Coleman

“When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.”

Humor Funny Born Daughter Rounds My Daughter Yellow Jaundice

Author:Milton Jones

“My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles”

Humor Funny Grows Daughter Starting Handle My Daughter

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

Humor School Funny Hours Half Boys Watches Wife Minutes Stupid Daughter My Wife My Daughter Public School Bargains

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."”

Knows Years Children Kids Funny Comedy Love You Arms Six Daughter My Daughter Swimming Pool One Time Rats Kicking Six Year Olds Swimming Pool

Author:Louis C. K.

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

Humor Funny Mother Women Air Mom Daughter Parenting Motherhood Castles Psychotic Funny Mothers Day Castles In The Air Funny Mother

Author:Rita Rudner

“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.”

Source: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Diversion Classics)

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Comedy Son Daughter Pipe Your Daughter Your Son Ahead Of The Game

Author:Chris Rock

“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.”

May Two Kids Funny Hate Sound Perfect Wife Son Daughter Yeah Guts Shells Shocked Terrific Reunion Your Daughter Family Reunion Perfect Family Comatose

Author:Cassandra Clare

“A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”

Author:Dorothy Canfield Fisher

“Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

Humor Funny Water Justice Half Diversity Daughter Social Justice Knees My Daughter

Author:Groucho Marx