Home / Topics / Five Quotes

Five Quotes

Browse 5828 quotes about Five.

Five Quotes

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'”

Ifs Knows World States Feelings Funny Family Five Minutes Like You Fairs Parenthood Five Minutes Royalty Alright You Might Be A Redneck If Dysfunctional Family Craziest Funny Family

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.”

Giving Years Humor Funny Five Taxes Vote Crush Five Years Bachelors

Book:The Collected Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated): Including Renowned Titles like Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, The Inca Of Perusalem, Macbeth Skit, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion

Source: The Collected Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated): Including Renowned Titles like Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, The Inca Of Perusalem, Macbeth Skit, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion

“I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.”

Years Funny Five Shoes Witty Five Years Pairs Worn Pair Of Shoes Oxymoron Funny Oxymoron

Author:Samuel Goldwyn

“Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.”

People Sometimes Funny Faces Five Deserve Chairs Funny People Cool Status

Author:Will Rogers

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.”

People Ifs Years Wells Has Beens Reason Funny Guy Five Shapes Five Years Olympics That Guy London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Imagine if you've got the diva of all divas. If we've got to be somewhere at five or six o'clock, I tell her its time to go at noon so she gets those five hours to do what she needs to do. But were both kids at heart. She is the funniest person ever and she has a great sense of humor. We connect at a spiritual level.”

Ifs Needs Heart Persons Kids Funny Spiritual Hours Levels Five Imagine Six Clock Sense Of Humor Noon Kid At Heart

Author:Nick Cannon

“Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and the five following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted, to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together a single year.”

Years Has Beens Book Ends Matter Funny Together Lasts Five Balance Pages Surprise Following Folly Quantity Chapters Looking Back Texture

Book:The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

Source: The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

“A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.”

Ifs Wells Children Persons Humor Funny Pain Lying Five Truth Is Telling The Truth Ems Truthful Only Time Children Love

Author:Bill Cosby

“My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.”

Want Looks Humor Funny Mother Hours Rooms Five Mess Want Me Pigs He Wants Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

Want Said Humor Kids Funny Parent Five Thousand Dollars Notes They Said No Respect Kidnapped

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Enjoy Opinion Five Magic Serious Drink Dancing Tricks Biographies Mike Wildlife Magic Tricks

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."”

Knows Want Long Said I Can Humor Funny Five Saws Havens Mines Phones Calendars Close Friends

Author:Steven Wright

“When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.”

Years Humor Running Funny Five Streets Horse Rounds Five Years Purple Merry Five Year Olds Merry Go Round Gunshots

Author:Steven Wright