“Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.” HumorFunnyDrugCancerSmokeTumors Author:Bo Burnham
“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.” HumorFunnyFoundStuffMonthsSixMachinesCancerBagsRaysAirports Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.” PeopleThinkingFeelsHumorFunnyMovingDiesSidesLosesHairCancerAbout YourselfDisagreeStrokesChemotherapyRemissionLife Sucks Author:Denis Leary
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."” HumorFunnyHusbandCatCancer Author:Tina Fey
“Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.” IfsHumorFunnyDifferencesStreetsWallCancerNot Sure Author:Anthony Jeselnik