“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.” WantHumorFunnyFunComedyFrontsLateMachinesMadGlassesBarsToo LateCandyMagnifyingEyeglassesMagnifying GlassCandy BarVending Machines Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!” IfsNeedsMadeHumorFunnyLaysBarsHolesSugarCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"” HardHumorFunnyMachinesYeahBottomBarsInventionBlockHard TimesReachingOwnersCandyCandy BarVending MachinesReaching Up Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.” TwoHelpingHumorFunnySweetTenLet MeTeethBottlesDeliciousCandySweet Tooth Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.” KnowsLooksMeanHumorHandsFunnyGuyNextEatingBarsNext TimeCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.” HumorFunnyNamesTechniqueCleverBarsSavingChocolateCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.” HumorFunnyTheaterAssociationCandyRogerMovie Theater Author:David Letterman
“Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.” DifferentHumorHandsKidsFunnyLastsFacesDoorsMaskHalloweenCandyRip Author:Rodney Dangerfield