Best humor & care Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.”

Knows Humor Care Funny America Cities Too Much New York Beats Twenties Don't Care Fifth Places To Live Best Place Pittsburgh Caring Too Much

Author:David Letterman

“The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.”

Ifs Men Way Looks Humor Care Funny Mirrors

Author:Rita Rudner

“If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders.”

Ifs Humor Care Political Order President Rooms Emergencies Political Humor Gags Emergency Room

Author:George W. Bush

“When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.”

People Ifs Humor Care Funny Black Lines White Racism Draws Green Don't Care I Don't Care Purple

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"”

Years I Can Humor Care Funny Remember Imagine Happened Seeds Blank Buns

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."”

Said Humor Care Funny Used Pay Becoming Paid Caring Checks Waiter Waitress Saying Thank You Mammograms

Author:Rita Rudner

“Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?”

Should Kind Humor Care Funny Beer Should I Frogs

Book:Ranting Again

Source: Ranting Again

“You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.”

People Should Mean Shows Humor Care Age Funny Girl Nice Tvs Don't Care I Don't Care Grades Being Nice Tv Shows Other Girl Be Nice To People

Author:Chelsea Handler

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."”

Humor Care Funny Excited Hey Who Cares Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.”

Thinking World Ends Humor Care Funny President Don't Care I Don't Care End Of The World

Author:Marc Maron

“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”

Want Said Humor Care Funny Guy Stars Don't Care I Don't Care Shops Pet Vines Aquariums Goldfish

Author:Tim Vine

“Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.”

Humor Care Funny Don't Care I Don't Care Intimidating Brad Jennifer

Author:Adam Carolla

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.”

Humor Care Funny Worst Don't Care I Don't Care Ambitious Amelia

Author:Kristen Schaal

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