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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.”

Years Two Humor Millions Years Ago Economics Dollars Investing Debt Two Years Cents Million Dollars Golden Age Two Years Ago Gilded Age Mutual Trust

Book:The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-day

Source: The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-day

“I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

Humor Kids School Funny Cost Cents

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"”

Thinking Humor Funny Half Saws Six Commitment Sells Pops Mess Cents Packs Soda Six Packs Soda Pop

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.”

Needs Humor Funny Office Posts Cents Equipment Stamps Post Office

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.”

Needs Giving Two Humor Funny Ten Boat Cents Tipping

Author:Groucho Marx

“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Study Months Twelve Cents Teens Pledge Virginity

Author:Tina Fey

“Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?”

Humor Funny Accidents Cents Homeless

Author:Bob Monkhouse