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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own”

Firsts Made Done Humor Funny My Own Devil First Time

Author:Billy Joe Shaver

“My administration will be more supportive of the good works done here than any administration in the history of this country because I understand the power of faith, that faith can change lives.”

Country Done Humor Political Administration Life Changing Good Work Supportive Work Done Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“I have good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!”

Way Trying Done Humor Kids Funny Jobs Gun Right Way Spanking I Love My Kids Love My Kids

Author:Denis Leary

“I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?”

Ifs Knows Want Sometimes Done Humor Funny Forever Conventional Potatoes Ovens Microwaves Baked Potatoes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.”

Hard Done Humor Funny Microphones

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.”

Done Humor Funny Baseball Balls Harm Genes Swings Foul Bounce

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'”

Thinking Feels Done Humor Funny Morning Wake Up Sorry Every Morning Blunt

Author:Bill Bailey

“Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"”

Book Done Humor Funny Next Stores Autobiography Sections Flip

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

Done Humor Funny Animal Eating Lazy Ants

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.”

People Wells Kind Stills Done Humor Funny Turns Jesus Havens

Author:Dylan Moran

“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"”

Men Wells Looks Persons Done Humor Funny Havens He Man Taxes Paid Mirrors Court Excuse Trust Me Excuse Me

Author:Lewis Black

“We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.”

“I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it”

People Said Done Humor Funny House Surveys

Author:Jimmy Carr

“I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Done Helping Humor Funny New York Driven Damage Squares Bombers Toyota Times Square

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.”

Done Humor Hands Funny Arms Wrestling Snakes Nurturing Peta Cuddling

Author:Sarah Silverman

“He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.”

Done Humor Funny Guy Sound Threesome

Author:Adam Carolla

“A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'”

Done Humor Funny Girl Watches Clubs

Author:Mike Birbiglia