“The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.” PeopleHumorFunnyFallRolesHumourDown AndBottomFalling Down Author:Alan Coren
“I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.” WantTwoHumorFunnyCasesDown AndStools Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.” IfsKnowsDoeHumorFunnyBreakWorryKnow HowCarDown AndGasBreaking DownTanksCockyWalletsToolboxAka Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.” HumansHumorFunnyLawUniverseCoursesFailingFunctionDown AndEndeavorCollapseSlow DownGigsPointlessRenderingEntropySlowingOf ContextThermal Author:Bill Bailey
“"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.” BelieveI CanHumorHappensFunnyBabyDown And Author:Tina Fey
“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.” PeopleWantEndsWholeHumorFunnyThreeTalkingAudienceDown AndKicksNecksFuneralTalking About MeLegit Author:Daniel Tosh