“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.” FirstsTwoEndsShowsHumorFunnyStrongKeysElementsSickComedianEmsPancakes Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."” NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"” ThinkingSaidShowsHumorBigsFunnyCompanyCuttingBallsIntentionTennisEmsThey SaidScrewsPotatoesInitialsRubberLaid BackTennis BallsPringles Author:Mitch Hedberg
“A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.” IfsWellsChildrenPersonsHumorFunnyPainLyingFiveTruth IsTelling The TruthEmsTruthfulOnly TimeChildren Love Author:Bill Cosby
“I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!” HumorFunnyHateWishLet MeI HateEmsKu Klux Klan Author:Chris Rock
“There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.” GivingLooksHumorFunnyLinesFineWindowEmsIllegalHintsFine Lines Author:Dave Attell
“I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'” HumorFunnyUsedStuffSleepPerfectPocketsEmsPlannersPajamas Author:Demetri Martin
“I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"” PeopleIfsHumorFunnyGlassesEmsGet Away Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.” HumorFunnyFunAnimalPetEmsAnimal Love Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"” WantKindHardHumorFunnyWaterDrinkShotsYeahGlassesEightEmsI Am Single Author:Jim Gaffigan