“A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"” SaidHumorFunnyMinesBrotherGirlfriendMatesTwinsMoustacheShagging Author:Billy Connolly
“And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".” WorldSaidHumorFunnyPastTypeTenHearingAidsBrandsMatesTwelveBrand NewHearing Aids Author:Billy Connolly
“A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."” MenHumorFunnyWifeHe ManBrotherMy WifeMatesTwinsBeard Author:Frank Carson
“My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.” IfsUseHumorFunnyPiecesEdgesMatesFiles Author:Frank Carson
“Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?” PersonsHumorFunnyGuyBlackWhiteOkayMatesPrimatesNot OkayBlack Guys Author:Frankie Boyle
“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'” FirstsSaidHumorFunnyGamesMatesClosestBullsDarts Author:Tim Vine
“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."” IfsThinkingSaidHumorFunnyPaidMates Author:Tim Vine
“I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'” ThinkingHumansLooksHumorFunnyAnimalDatingDinnerKingdomsMatesSmarterAlrightAnimal Kingdom Author:Adam Ferrara
“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"” KnowsHumorFunnyNamesNumbersKnow HowYeahIdiotMatesAccentsIrish Accent Author:Noel Fielding